Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

My dad passed away when I was 10 years old, and since then I have been living with my mother who is abusing me since I am a kid. You don’t see the abuse because you grew up on it until you reach an age when you realize that is not normal that someone from nowhere starts shouting at you and saying how shit you are when you have been doing so many things you made her proud of you. I don’t consider myself a loser, I have achieved all those things that I dreamt about. But again you don’t see that until you get mature, that is not your fault, it is her fault because she can’t control herself. I know she cares about me, I am the only family that she has left here in Europe (because she is from a different country). Every time I go to Morocco I have seen that violence and they act so normal when I find it unfair. I wished I had my dad who always taught me that violence is not the way to educate your kids, he did a good job. I remember every single moment being a kid, and seeing my mother hitting him, and shouting at him, he would have never reacted, I bet that was something that I have in common with my dad, we never react to violence. Then we end up psychologically damaged. I think the reason why he never left her was because of me and because he loved her.

One day my parents caught me lying, and my dad he did see the issue on me, he saw it on my mother for developing that fair of sharing things with them, and he had a point, living with her now, I can realize that NEVER I will be able to share anything with her. Being 16 I had to solve problems by myself afraid of her reaction. At 16 I thought that the best option is to kill myself so I can rest in peace, and live free from domestic abuse and her. But I had a dashboard on my bedroom with all my dreams, one of them was to study computer science, and every morning waking up and looking at that board made me feel alive and with the energy to go to High school and get the best grades even though I knew that the abuse was gonna still there. I bet that my dreams saved my life. My dream is to make the world different, make a change not die. Breathing every day makes me feel like I have done well on keep going.

No one knows that they are being abused until you read a book about traumas, and you realize that your life is full of traumas and fears. People sometimes don’t understand your reaction and some things until they know about your past. Like my boyfriend, never understood why every time my mother sent a message I stand up quickly, or why being 20 years old I don’t live like a normal 20 years old student. The best thing that can happen to you, is when you finally share it, because you never did before, you realize that you are in front of someone who has been through the same, and he is not a bad guy, or violent, he is the sweetest person in the world and you stop believing that the idea that you being abused being a kid makes you naturally violent. Sharing it for the first time to him was the most relieving day, and when he shared his story made me cry, he did go through everything and now he is free and happy working his dream job and having his dream life. THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE TO BE HAPPY
Bye from now, i will come back another day to share more about everything. I love writing about my problems and how i overcome them