My best friend (we have been friends for 11 years) has been engaged since December 2020 in a relationship since 2018. He told me today he loves me but can i give him 6 months (until summer 2022) then try being with him - spend the summer at his. He says he’s ending his engagement because hes not happy with a lot and hasn’t been happy for a while. He said he will understand if i dont wait…i dont know what to do. As a medical student he knows i can wait. I told him recently ive been single for 2 years because i feel like getting to know someone new now will be hard to balance. We have talked ever day for years as friends but knowing he’s going to call off his engagement i feel like a bad person…almost like hes ending his relationship for me if i say i will wait but i have always wanted to give us a go just never been goood timing in the past… this also doesnt feel like good timing. I dont want to tell my friends… but i feel sad at the moment not knowing what to do or say to him because I think i love him too
How are you so sure that you are the reason behind him breaking his engagement? ~A
I dont think i am THE reason i know hes not been his happiest for a while in his relationship for loads of different reasons hes told the friendship group. i just dont want to be one of his excuses i guess. I want him to make the decision to end it or leave for his happiness not because he thinks i will be waiting. I feel like the minute i say i will wait i am inserting myself into his decision to walk away from his fiance… i guess because i don’t know what reasons he is telling her… but is it my place to ask?
Talk to him as a friend. If you say he has been unhappy for a while then he needs a friend right now. Hear him. Ask him to share his problems, fears and pain.
Make it very clear that you are not up for a relationship right now and you view him as a friend and you are there for him, as a friend.
This way you will know the reason and you won’t be inviting him for a relationship too.
In such cases people are always skeptical. He has been unsure of his previous relationship, what makes you think yours will work? I can understand this goes for every relationship but you have been friends for way too long.
Only you get to decide what is right for the both of you.
Don’t be worried about what your friends or family will think. What you think matters the most.
Ask him to take some time off and be by himself for a while. Ask him to use this time to heal and reflect upon his decisions.
You guys have time, use it wisely.
I have no idea if ours will work. I only know our friendship has for a reason and i dont want to lose that.
I always take a year to be single after any breakup to reflect and learn to love where i am in life. I have considered telling him he should do the same. But he has never been that guy he told me “if it feels right it feels right why wait…” he doesnt seem to be in a rush but he never has done things in a normal way. I do think if i told him to be single for a while he might do it though
Do you also feel going with the flow like he does? If yes, then do what you feel is right for you.
I can related with taking an year break because every person heals differently. But how is this possible that he has been unhappy for a while and the first thing he wants to do is to get on with you as soon as his engagmnt breaks? I am worried that he fears being alone.
Talk to him about this. Communicate your fears. Tell him you value your friendship much more than anything else and doesn’t want to lose it.
In the end, if you are convinced, make your decision.
I am very go with the flow take life as it comes. But i am worried he is afraid of being alone and has so much he will have to change or end that hes almost looking to ensure he has someone to be with that he knows will make him feel better. Even if he loves me and i have always wanted to try with him and i think i love him too this feels like bad timing again (he has asked me out in the past why i think he does actually care about me and its not solely based on fear of being alone but at the time i had just left a really abusive relationship and needed a year alone - i never told anyone my ex was abusive until years later i almost didnt want to accept it).
I might tell him he needs to focus on himself even if that looks like focusing on ending his engagement or moving and not worry about me. I can still be there for him as a friend but i cant be the person he is looking to start a relationship with as soon as he ends his engagement
I think i want him to focus on one thing at a time and not include me in his current chaos. If he ends his engagement and moves and still wants to try and be with me i would happily go on a date see where things go.
I agree timing has a very crucial role to play in your case. You are thinking straight. Taking it slow is wise here. If he loves you too, he will figure out a way to take things forward with you. You are anyhow there with him as a friend.
Also, if he questions yoh about you saying no to a relationship, then you must communicate your fears with him. This will help in preventing any misunderstanding btw you both and will less affect your chances of being in a relationship with him in future.
In the meanwhile, you take your time with your decision. If you love him there will be no if and but. You’ll know your decision.
Most important is safeguarding your friendship and not rushing into a relationship.
Do not mistake habit over love. You may be best of friends and each other’s go to person. Take your time and reflect upon your feelings.
I promise to take my time. I might remove myself from the situation and tell him to focus on his life for a bit if he wants to end his engagement and move do that first and dont worry about me. I have been around for 11 years and im not going anywhere as his friend. But it feels like he needs to do things one at a time. I dont think i would be posting or worried if i thought telling him i will wait and trying with him was a good idea. I would have just agreed and not questioned everything
Let him come out of hus problems. Give him time and space, which you are already doing. Breaking an engagement involved a lot of family stress as well.
After a while when you think he is normalising then ask yourself, whether you want a relationship with him or not.
If you both do, then go for it.