Mostly I feel upset with everything. I do smile and laugh too but just suddenly i feel a sense of emptiness.
I feel I am incompetent. I cant take compliments, it feels like lies.
I have mom issues…have been living with my mom for 36 years…we cant stay away nor stay together…she is a narcissist…its her way or the highway…my self respect is wounded and I am dying a hundred deaths…she has literally embarrassed me a zillions times…she is very helpful ,but later talks about it…she is now a part of me which I can never ignore…I cant stay away now as she is old and I will feel guilty about it…what should I be doing…
You know once, somebody told me that life is given to you or for that matter anyone, only once. So, you should live it just the way you want, that is without any regrets, second thoughts or hard feelings. I thought that person must be crazy…I mean who lives life like that right!? With no regrets…no second thoughts…no hard feelings…it’s impossible…right? But then that day itself, I read two news articles both though diametrically different but yet, similar in nature. One stated that a girl committed suicide when was rejected from a prestigious job…in her suicide note she finally had the guts to confess that all these years, she had forgotten living life in its real essence for herself and was rather living it for the sake of it. Just to be a trophy of envy for others and a object of pride and ego for her parents. Nothing more. Nothing less. She continued that she was fine as long as they gave her the attention she always longed for. Even if it was in the wrong sense…it didn’t matter…she was fine with any…as you see beggars cannot be choose right? This continued for next 23 years of her life…she honestly became a people pleaser…said and did things to please and entertain people…never thought what she actually thought about herself…never regarded herself as a human in the first place…hearing all of this sounds way too dramatic and filmy doesn’t it!? I thought so too at first but then realized that there might actually be people like that in this world living their life quitely and without any complaints even though inside they are a complete mess. So, coming back to the story, she goes to the school that her parents decided for her, scored the top scores participated and even won at every damn extracurricular activity, never drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes had any girlfriends or boyfriends, basically the typical goody goody girl which every snobbish and egocentric parents want to have…now, fast forward it to the future, she is has passed her engineering exams with flying colours, and goes for her parent’s choice for her “dream job” and though she has prepared throughly for this interview, she messes up pretty badly in the interview…the board, I have no clue why for this type of reason even though are marks were beyond excellent rejects her. And, that was the first job interview for the day itself, and there was 19 more to go…that to it was the first day…day 0. She called up her parents and with teary eyes and shaky hands told them the bad news. For a moment they were silent, it was almost scary, then they asked whether it was a joke, she cried and said that how could she joke on something like this? Then slowly her father’s anger surges and he barks at her and says “You have put our reputable family to shame! You can’t even get a simple job, you don’t have a reason to stay in our house! More like don’t have a reason to live at all! From today, you are dead for us!!” Saying this, he slammed down the phone. She was shell shocked, she couldn’t believe herself…the people for whom she had sacrificed her hobbies, her dreams, her passions, they don’t even see her more than a object to carry on their names…she felt into a deep depression…didn’t go for the rest of the job interviews. Police found her wrist slit in the bathroom, after her roommate had reportedly banged on the door as she was inside the bathroom for nearly an hour. They found her 20 pages long note near the bathroom sink also covered with some blood. She had mentioned in the last line of the pages that how she finally found peace after what she did…she said that " Nobody should ever go through what I did. Even my enemies shouldn’t be cursed with such a I’ll fate. I had practically given up my life to please everyone especially my parents all throughout my life for them to just accept as a person and not as an object, but they disown the day I don’t get some damn job which would be practically insignificant in the future! I urge all the people who read this letter to please never end up like me. Pathetic. Desperate. And Stupid. Everyone has one life so please live it for yourself and not for others" Tears rolled down my eyes when I read the end of this letter. If you still find this situation unbelievable, please do watch Bates Motel, you will see how how fillial relationship can take a dangerous turn when people see their parents as not fellow human beings but god themselves. Another news article which I had read on the paper was the one where a 10th grade had apparently stabbed his mother, wounding her grievously when asked to work harder in the preliminaries even though he scored above 90 in the exams…he had later simply said that “She deserved it, she had never been satisfied with whatever I did, so one day I decided to end this nagging completely.” Though his mother was out of danger after a couple of weeks he was sent to a juvenile home since he was underage. You will notice that both the case had nothing to do with each other yet at the same time, had everything with each other. Though the people, settings, atmosphere, environment,situation were different but their problems were pretty similar, yeah that is definitely true that what the boy did was absolutely wrong, but what the girl did wasn’t right either. I am not blaming her…she was in such a position where she felt no choice other than to do that…but look at the two person in question in each situation…one succumbs in pressure, while the other reiterates. Though their was heart wrenching but they could have someone there for them…to guide them…to help them…to advice them…or to just listen to them…right?! Sorry, my rant went too long!😅 My point is finally that I know that is too difficult suddenly cut off from your immediate birth parents like that, especially after they have raised you and all. But at the end of the day, it’s all about you. You will have to live the rest of your life even after your mother passes away. So do want to live like you said bearing a thousand deaths every day or so you want to face the matter head on? It’s your life dear, please cherish it well. I am not saying to be rude or attack your mother or anything like that…she’s your mother after all, but have a few sets of rules for her first. It’s for your respect, your dignity your own value as a person and nobody can take that from you. Not even your own mother. Firmly tell your mother that she talk to you as a mother does to her daughter/son. Tell her she shouldn’t abuse her power as a mother towards her child because had it been other then her you wouldn’t have tolerated this behaviour for so long. Tell her that even you could have done the same and abused your power as a daughter/son a s gotten what you have wanted. But you don’t because you love her too much to do so. Say to her lovingly but firmly that if she considers you as her child then she should become your strength and not your weakness. She should make you feel safe if not anything else. And lastly believe and trust in yourself. You are way more than what some random and unimportant people may perceive you as.
My love and support will always be there for you so don’t ever give up on yourself and capabilities…you are more than a comment or a snide remark…you are unique and will always be!😊😊🥰😘
[P.S: I know I must have taken too much of your time and might have bored your as well in some places but if you ever feel like sharing or just talking about something in general, you can always text me! Remember, I am just a text away!😊😊😘😘]