Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Most of my life, I’ve been in relationships. I was in a longass serious one in school, and then a couple of others in college. Earlier, I used to idolize the notion of relationships and make them the be all and end all of all pursuits. I used to believe that despite whatever fuckup may happen in your life, if you have that one person who’ll make you feel like you aren’t alone in that fight, who’ll hear you out or is just there for you, you’ll be alright. But slowly I started attaching it value. I started making relationships a validation exercise, and that keeping them means keeping your self worth. So slowly it started turning into oh so what if I had a bad day, atleast I got her. That started making matters worse, as in the absence of relationships, I would be low on self esteem and derive no true meaning in my life. This, coupled with other self esteem issues about how I perceived myself would often make me feel like a failure in totality, and the absence of someone truly there to listen to you would compound the issue. I got stuck in an abyss. Recently, however, after a breakup, I realized two important things. A. The hurt in a relationship anyway isn’t really worth the whole charade, you know? It’s kind of a painful exercise. B. My insecurities and my self esteem doesn’t need to hinge on one person. That kind of dependency isn’t healthy, and I don’t need to constantly worry about not being good enough etc because I fucking am. I realized soon enough that relationships need to be there despite you believing you’re awesome, not because you want to be made to feel that way. I started focusing on other things and now the conditioning I had of always wanting someone has dissipated. I don’t keep thinking about my exes or shit, and I’ve grown emotionally. Ofcourse, I would still want to be with someone I’m compatible with, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy till the point I don’t find them.