Mental health is a topic which cannot be addressed in this conservative Asian family of mine. My mother becomes quiet and avoids me whenever I try to talk about my serious difficulties, she’d even change the topic at times.
*** TRIGGER WARNING: implications of self-harm
i only have shallow internet friendships and other than that, it’s an endless spiral of me repeating myself that life is hard and that breathing and waking up became painful. Everyone is tired of me saying this. If I were serious, I would’ve already taken my life right?
i wish i could. I live with my parents, They’re unemployed and at home most of the time. They would only go grocery shopping for an hour early in the morning and they never leave home after 11am because it’s already ‘late’ or ‘evening’ to them. They’re weird like that. On days when they have to attend birthdays, weddings and other events it’s so sudden. They don’t tell me about it weeks in advance. I need time to think it through and not rush my end when the opportunity arises. I want to be well prepared, mentally and physically.
but now, I have a date, though there’s a risk that somebody will check up on me. this New Year’s eve, I will be alone.
i told them not to call me. It’s a good thing that I’ve always been a sleepyhead, loving their naps during the day. i just wish my last months weren’t so lonely and that my story isn’t untold.
Last New Year’s Eve, everything was so different. I wished for 2019 that I would get the job I always wanted. I believed in it and thought my depression is finally a thing of the past.
But I’ve been rejected coldly, right in front of my face. i see my peers getting accepted and being happy.
i want to do what i love the most too.
i worked so hard, but it hasn’t been acknowledged. I was naive. My life never had a meaning anyway. What am i living for? Why am i here.
i hope that everyone can practice the job they are passionate about. Please be happy.
Firstly it’s completely okay to feel how you’re feeling and your feelings matter - even if people around you don’t see it yet.
The last two years have been extremely difficult for me in terms of self-introspection.
I am a social person, which means if you leave me alone with alot of time, I wouldn’t know what to do about it.
I had to work on identifying things I can do by myself in order to remain happy and content with myself - that’s really the key. It is hard work and it’s a journey, but you have it in you - to do this!
I’d written about my journey on the blog posts on this site, please take a read to see if that helps in which way :)
Take care and we’re here for you BIG HUG
Hey, I don’t really know what to say to cheer you up bc probably you heard a lot of things but I hope you take time to reconsider this decision
It sucks when your family ignores and avoids your problems, bc you think they will be there to support you at every moment but they aren’t there in your most difficult times, it makes it even more harder. But if you have close people, doesn’t matter if it’s from internet, vent about your feelings with them. You’re always heard and people will be there to understand you.
You must feel stuck seeing all those people being happy and getting their dream job when you tried your hardest yet you couldn’t achieve what you wanted. I just hope you know all of your hard work wasn’t for nothing, even if the world tells you it was gargabe. You challenged yourself and put your passion, creativity and all of your efforts on it. You did something to yourself, all your beautiful tries its what makes you as a person.
You must be tired and let down by all of this and it’s totally comprehensible. I just want to let you know there’s no way this is all of you, I think you can really do more amazing things. I don’t know you or anything about you, but I do see a person who was disappointed by the world for the emptiness it gave you even when you gave it all to it. I can’t see you give up, not when I think you are possible of such more.
Honestly this might have not help you at all, but I hope at least it made you reconsider your decision. You need help, someone who can listen to you. I really hope you get that person and things gets better to you, bc I see a person who deserves more of good things
Thank you, kind anon. I don’t really want to end it, but circumstances give me no choice. there’s nothing left in this world for me. I neither have a supportive family and only have superficial friendships.
as a person with social anxiety, I don’t know many people and don’t have the connections to be accepted for the work I poured all my life in.It’s been so many years of trial and error; I’m reaching my limit.
I wish that some day, someone will acknowledge my efforts. it’s disappointing to see an empty mailbox every day. I only want an acceptance letter, somewhere, someone…
Thank you so much for responding.