Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Memories of our good old times are the only thing keeping me alive because even if i can’t see it now, looking back life is worth living for sure. I can’t wait for the fog to clear up so I can keep making more beautiful memories. Sometimes I think it’s stupid, other times I’m grateful that there’s still hope in my heart. I’ve become darker, colder, distant and I’ve lost that spark in my eyes everyone used to compliment me about but it’s not all completely gone yet. When I’m about to give up I keep hearing this voice coming from inside of me that says " You don’t deserve this, things will get better bc you deserve it to be like that" “You’ve endured it for too long to just give up now” So I’m still holding onto my own hand hoping I won’t let go and fully lose myself. I only have myself and people I don’t even know to thank for giving me strength and helping me become braver. Thanks to them I’ve done things I never thought I would, I’ve also fucked up in the attempt a few times, but it was okay bc it was my first time, and we’re all a bit clumsy and naive at first, experience will make my future better. It’s been 5 years of me saying every new year’s eve “thank god this year is over cuz it’s been the worst of my life” I started to think how is it possible that I think that every year yet the next one I’m like “how I wish i could turn back time, last year was so much better” Looking back I think 2019 was the best year of my life, and what’s crazy about that is that in 2019 I thought it was the worst one. There are a few explanations for this being possible; 1. from a distance spring is green ( everything looks better from far away and it becomes less painful as it turns into a memory since you can choose to only remember the good things) 2. Every year is worst than the previous one 3. I’ve been getting stronger every year, it’s a sign of growth. I still don’t know which one it is, it might be a mix of all but regardless If I’ve been able to get over it before I can get through this too, it’d be a waste to throw all of this endurance away now, that’s why I’ll hold on until I’ve got no other choice but to let go. I’m a bit weak, I’m not okay and it’s very hard on my own but it’s not in my blood to give up, and that isn’t always a good thing if u really think about it, but it’s useful to at least keep me alive.