Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Me (21F) and my husband (24M) started dating after I was out of a toxic relationship and wasn’t really looking for anyone I was (16) at the time and he was (18). From our first date we didn’t do any t anything and he seemed so pure and kind (husband is tall with nice shoulders and I goad build a bit heavier set with dirty blonde long curly hair) I was living with my mom and we stayed there the most and my friend who was just coming off of drugs and was pregnant was staying with us I caught him winking at her before school. Thought it was weird but brushed it off because he was amazing he made me feel amazing! He swept me off me feet, after the first date and we never left each others sides -edit: I’m extremely gelable-
(He also told me he wanted to wait for marriage to have sex) BUT I eventually found out I was pregnant at (16) so his family had land and a house so we moved in immediately. He claimed he had only ever been a virgin before me was very touchy loveling guy. Literally his phone was always clean and he was like straight out a movie… (after moving in I also had a fake account message me and say my child would be ugly, and I don’t want a life with him and this isn’t what I want and why did I do it) I was SUS about that but at the time I was finally ready to enjoy happiness because I had a very rough child hood and life up until moving in. Now, back to living in our new house enjoying it until a couple months in, we was also together every day in our home till our daughter was 1) I hard time controlling my emotions because he would stay “on the game to much, in the bathroom too long”, and just the normal events of moving in with someone you experience the true side of them that no one knows, even then he was still loving and kind he just had issues with playing his Xbox, not being clean, wanting to hide away more, not wanting to go to the baby doc, he just didn’t seem interested as he was at first. I also found out I had a friend who lived next door who was my child hood friend, so s of course you can imagine your best friend living next door, she was constantly over and always criticized everything I did, which would be I could do this better, I clean this better, it was a competition that I didn’t see at the time. (Her and my husband was related through marriage so they know each other well) when me and him would argue she ALWAYS would side with him which made me feel crazy because she was constantly tell me “he’s a good guy”… during this time I started staying with my mom 5 days a week and being home on the weekends because of post Partum. I also wasn’t the nicest if I felt a certain way I would let everyone know how I felt immediately and I had “big feelings” a lot. It was hard to calm me down. he also got a new job around this time, he was at Walmart and I walked in there one day without any heads up and he had his arm around one of his coworkers, once I approached them she instantly changed her body language and walks into the back of the store, so I was having big emotions made a scene, husband ended up being no where found after we had a heated moment I went to get what I was actually there for, I found his friend who said she was a lesbian and she was ugly. Come to find out she was engaged but he seemed ok after that just really distant. No matter what I did to try and help him emotionally or physically it just didn’t seem enough, I never found anything on his phone then because he kept it so clean: like I said before I was trying to except all good things. But we ended up parting ways not long after our daughter was born I struggled with postpartum, our families was feuding against each other, his mom would ask me if I really took his virginity, and if I knew one of his X’s but at the time I thought even though he’s acting this way, it doesn’t mean what she was implying which I thought was, he was cheating lol he wasn’t kind any more ,he took me for granted because he knew I don’t have anyone to turn too: we was having issues with our home so we was back and forth every day to his moms or mine.
(I also had weird gut feelings the whole time that he was hiding something) we ended up breaking up and during this break up I ended up sleeping with one of friends… but I never cheated, his friend had just got out of a serious relationship and we just decided to be fuck buddies because he wasn’t looking for anything and neither was I, during this break up, my husband was constantly where I was staying at which was my moms place, I would walk in any time after I left and there he would be , one point he even brought me a slushee and after he saw me his face went blank for some reason and he threw the slushy at my feet. I would tell my mom to make him leave and she never would, she said she felt bad for him but she was the part of the reason we broke up… eventually me and her get into a huge fight over him and I call him to pick me up from then on we was together again. I decided to get a job which by this time he was delivering at this restaurant called DD’s we will call it. So I start in the back making food and made new friends there, this friend that I had made there approaches me one day and says your boyfriend has another child, which at the time I thought he was joke, turns out it wasn’t, and when I was confronted, I confronted him in front of everyone and he still says it was his and I told him we are doing a DNA and his faces was red. Which I should have spoken to him privately… I also was also very confused on how the women looked, she was the complete opposite of me, I’m 5’4, long brown hair at the time, freckles, I have gaps in my teeth, and my nose was broken so it has a hump in the middle, very petite even after having our first daughter) this women was 5’7, a heavier set woman with black fuzzy hair and blue eyes. She has a gummy smile like me as well. he supposedly didn’t know about this at all either I texted her directly and she told me it all, supposedly it was a one night stand and was only 16 when it happened and he was 17… she told me she thought about telling me many times before but she didn’t want to ruin what me and him had going on, she also said she saw me in Walmart while we was broken up and she followed me for 2hrs and come up to me and complimented my daughter, (my friend who was there with knew who she was but didn’t tell me at all even after she left) I thought nothing of it, I think she was a random stranger I had no clue!) also to add when I was pregnant with our first daughter baby mama followed me and liked only me and mans pictures and leaving nasty comments BUT I had no clue why she was doing it so I showed my husband and he told me to block her immediately so I did!! Never thought a thing of it back then! his parents saw the baby her entire life up until now? My mother in law also told me it might have been between my husband and his brother and other multiple guys… None of it made sense but after mentioning the DNA to baby mama she didn’t like it and blocked me, her sister reach out to me and we do a DNA and it was his baby but still to this day we didn’t text his brother… and we got it sorted out now and we get visitation with the child, (also both of our kids have curly blonde hair blue eyes) I felt a lot of betrayal, it was hard but I knew then that I wanted to marry him and help him become better because I felt like I was prepared because I’ve had expirence with a. Split family and I know how complicated things can get and his family was a lot of smooth talking to not start drama so we got married and he got a blue collar job making great money, someone in his also gave us a new home because we didn’t have one at all at this point… so great this new life together he was great a changed man, he got us newer cars, he worked hard for it too he was perfect again… I noticed odd behaviors but this time it was different because anyone who knew my husband knew that he didn’t care about what he did or wore, who talked about him, but this new husband cared about it ALL. He wouldn’t fix his hair, shave every day, constantly worried about how he looks or me and our family… he also started getting very into porn around this time, I wouldn’t care for him watching it ( I just wanted to add this because I struggle with self image issues, my weight, my face, my personality, I would pick my self apart and he knew that. I cried almost every day when we first got together because I even had issues with eating and he would literally feed me) but I noticed it was different, he was looking at heavier set women opposite of me… he went as far as going to Facebook search bar sexy mother in law, pictures of any naked women, he was on every website searching and looking up pictures of these women… he once accused me of spending all of our money when he was spending it in only fans… during this time too, (the baby mama would leave remarks like I’m going to steal your man in a “joking way” which I never think will happened because she obviously doesn’t like me because she watched us build a life together and he has admitted before she was jealous because he wanted me after being pregnant… I fall pregnant again (which was a huge shock to everyone) with my second baby girl during the pregnancy he was so perfect, I wouldn’t have to ask or beg for anything. Just imagine the most affectionate kind man and he was. I had complications while delivering my first daughter natural I was very traumatized from it so we had to a c section and he was great during the recovery, but old habits came back harder and for some reason I ignored it so much I was convincing my self that I’m not good enough in everything I do so I was always doing more (in the point of time I’m on antidepressants and have worked A LOTTT on me mental health) I thought he was perfect I over looked everything he did I thought we was connected mentally and emotionally at this point (but I was blinded by him because I am a SAHM, he’s the bread winner) so I thought I was over doing it and I was being crazy when I told him I had feelings of something doesn’t feel right any more like the one I had before! But I’m so confident in how “bonded we are” so we decide to have a threesome with the child good friend who used to live next door. We discussed boundary’s and all the above, our safe word was blue chew, remember that for later, so we have alcohol we start drinking, asking each other naughty questions but we got a touchy subject about them watching bigger women porn and mater-baiting to it but when they was speaking they wasn’t involving me in the conversation, they was leaned toward each talking and they said they liked watching it because biggest girls “want it more” meaning they was just wetter and I got very offended by this in the moment because his brother had told me in a argument that andrew said to him once the baby mamas puss was better, so after some drinks I was really heated I started crying and it was getting late and I opened up to the both of them and they sat there and stared at me saying “it’s okay it’s okay, we can get back into the game so you don’t ruin the questions we was asking each other about sex. I cried for a solid 5 minutes and they was both starting at each other starting at me, my husband was shaking his head and she was giving me a disgusted look. He noticed that and asked her if she was okay… he also had a blue shew and wanted to try it it was his first time and he did, I kept saying blue chew in sentences trying to get him to understand our code word which mean no longer going through with it… it was a bad code name to choose … we also had all taken about 5 or 6 shots by name (I also had the stomach bug so I was very nauseous) they wanted to play get naked so me and my husband played she watched and he was very horny he was flicking his tongue at me and her both he says doesn’t remember but through out the whole game and after him saying that I just wanted to go to bed I didn’t want to go through with it . It was 6 am around this time and we had to get our kids by 10am. They was instantly is begging me to stay awake which neither of them never did before and they at least wanted to go outside to smoke so we did… they talked the entire time and as we are coming in she says she forgets something outside and they both head for the door after I entered our bedroom (he was in the kicthen getting drinks for us) and she was in the living room… I told her to set down while he got it and she looked at him very concerned… I’m not even sure what that means. They also talked about how sex would feel with each other in front of me. Any way we get to bed and she is in the dark living room watching while he fucked me ( I could tell he was upset he didn’t get to fuck her because he kept asking why and mopping around) he had his eyes in the bath of his head the whole time idk if it was him thinking or feeling it was good… but I’m the middle of fucking I started puking every where and she went home the next day but eventually showed back up later to get her things and (she is married during this as well because “she was divorcing him”) spoiler alert she never planned on leaving him she also expressed to use that she’s been wanting to fuck for a while but never said anything… She was talking about my husband the whole time, how big his dick was, how he was rubbing my body because her man doesn’t do that for her, she said “ I don’t know why I get feelings like these when (my husband) is around” she pauses “it’s like I was to look away from him” I’m still not sure what that means either. Little back ground on my ole friend, she had a hard life and was a growing person like us , I would go out of me way for her pick her up from her husbands place if they was fighting bacsially I was her bitch but I wanted to help her,
I tried to move past it but I couldn’t help but to wonder why so I got to digging through his social media and this is what leads me here today, by this time my husband has all new social (wanting to add also after I found out about the other baby mama he deleted his old Facebook and made a new one with me) but one account that’s he’s had the longest and that’s Snapchat. I’m a stay at home mom and I’ve devastated over the failed threesome because he’s admitted that he wanted to fuck her “so badly”…. I have a lot of free time so I download his info and the only messages saved in the chat was “hold on hold on, look at this” it’s between him and a women is looks identical to the baby mama, it was 2 years ago but we was still together and I JUST MARRIED HIM, STARTING BUILDING THIS NEE START AFTER FINDING OUT ABOUT the baby!! At that time. So back to now I am mad I want to know more I search for her text and call her and she says he was wanting to meet up and wanting nudes from her. He claims he doesn’t remember doing this AT ALL! He says he don’t know how it happened. She also has a little boy with blue hair blonde eyes when I controft him I flash our Facebook messages and I tell him everything I know, he continues to say it’s wrong some how, I’m looking at it wrong, ect!! I tell him she told me they exchanged nudes (which she did not) he says that he did and he sorry but he also doesn’t know… I kept asking him why over and over and he yells at me “she was just a piece of ass” but then claims directly after that he doesn’t know why he said that. The women he was texting told me target never met up but the baby looks a lot like him. My husband is different from other men I feel like we can work on this and move pst it but pet of me wants to let go I really don’t know what to do. Is it my fault I went searching ?? My perspective it ruined, here is a explanation of what he’s sent me

I love you more so much and I know I took you for granted and never tried it anything but I am so sorry for that and sick at myself. If I can get one more chance I will love you like you should be and never be hateful or do anything to upset you or look at porn or other women or chest in you. I will be better and try my best to be the best for you. I won’t hide anything at all and I will always tell you the truth. I know you don’t trust me or don’t believe Mr but I swear I will earn it back and prove to you I can change. I just cannot lose you. You mean so much to me and the thought of you leaving is unbearable I won’t make it without you. I miss you every second I am away and always think of you. You’re on my mind do much that it tears me apart. Everything you do is for me and I should have appreciated you more. I literally look forward to coming home to you no matter what. I cannot even imagine you not being there end I truly to love you with everything in me. I promise it was nothing you did to me I was just a sick and nasty piece of shit.

He keeps saying he doesn’t know and he was nasty and horny but it bothers me that HE HAS A TYPE. It makes feel like I can’t work through this with him because 6 years have been flush it feels like to me ( also got messages of him msg other girls but that one stuck out to me)

Am I going to get hurt in the long run or should I save my self the heart break??