Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Long post alert!
In 2015, this guy in my college apparently had a crush on me. I never noticed him because I was in a trauma caused by my very first breakup. That was a toxic relationship. I had plans not to ever get attached to anyone. This guy came to me pretending to be emotionally broken.
Inspired by all the Bollywood movies, I thought may be I can help him build himself back. Because I knew what it was like to be broken and alone. I was being a nice friend to him. He started hitting on me and I somehow got into dating him. Empathy may be because honestly he wasn’t the best looking guy out there. If I had to get attracted to him, I would have at least noticed him since we used to hangout in a common group. Once I said yes, his behavior started fluctuating. The guy who opened up to me when I was a stranger, now didn’t want to talk at all about feelings. He kept avoiding me. He kept dumping me and kept coming back crying and apologizing. Being the dumb emotional fool I was, I accepted him every time.
It became a pattern. He would hurt me, be emotionally unavailable, cheat on me (with a very close friend of mine) or do equivalent things that used to hurt me. We graduated and he broke up again. We both started working in different cities. He came back to me 6 months later and broke up with me again.
I tried my hand in dating but nothing worked out. He had hurt me so bad, I was afraid this will happen again. Someone will pretend to care and then walk all over me. I cut all my ties with him during this phase. And the pattern occurred again. I randomly got a ping from him that he was so sorry on how he treated me. “Karma had me like a bitch”, he said. His girlfriend didn’t treat him right and stuff. I told him to leave me alone. He kept coming back and I blocked him. A year and a half passed and our mutual friends told me how guilty and miserable he is. They asked me to at least forgive him. I decided may be I should relieve him from the guilt he is carrying. I unblocked him and he cried saying he knew one day I will ping him back. “Love Aaj Kal” level shit.
I was single at that point. He kept hitting on me, even proposed to me. I knew he is bad news so I ignored him. Around that time my parents started putting pressure on me for an arranged marriage. They even asked me if I have a boyfriend but I was single so I said no. They convinced me that they will allow me to marry the person I love (That’s a trap guys. Abort mission!). My biggest fear is waking up and hating my life for being next to the wrong guy.
I was scared I will be married off to a stranger and here my ex was being total opposite of the jerk he was in college. Nice, caring, romantic loving yep so much so that I couldn’t believe it’s the same guy. He also kept pushing me to say yes to him. I fell for his acting skills and said yes to his proposal. I thought at least I know what I will be dealing with. Plus a cute story to tell my kids. How romantic right? No it was’t ._____. I told at my home and my family turned against me. They hated him because he didn’t match their “preferences”. If you are Indian you’ll know exactly what I am talking about. I fought with my entire family for us. On the other side, his attitude started changing. Once he realized the ball is in his court, he started taking me for granted AGAIN!
What was I thinking right?! Stupid me. All my friends told me not to give him a chance and I allowed him to hurt me anyway. All the crying he did to win me back were crocodile tears. Oh boy the tears I shed again for that idiot!
I fell sick with all the stress. My health deteriorated. My parents would not talk to me. If they do, they will either cry and ask me to break up with him or they would only curse me. My friends were upset that I am back with the jerk who hurt me.I had nobody with me. Every time I headed to him for a comfort, he would either be “too busy” drinking or smoking or partying with his friends. He did manage time to talk to his ex frequently though. I understood that he doesn’t love me at all. He just loved the way I treat him and make him feel about himself. When he dated another woman, he realized how less of efforts he had to put being with me.

I continued to be with him but I had kept my feelings for him and anxiety of dying alone aside. Past the high time to think. Thought to myself what am I fighting for? Is this the life I want where my partner doesn’t give a fuck about my existence? Doesn’t talk to me, won’t put a penny worth of efforts to keep me happy. What kind of relationship is this where he gets all the love and fulfillment and I get is betrayal, excuses, a sense of emptiness. One day we fought again on one of the usual things. He did something he promised he wouldn’t do and got caught the third time. Because I had excused him two times he arrogantly said “This is who I am and I am not sorry”. I didn’t sleep the whole night crying and thinking what am I doing. I had seen this in the movies but I didn’t know that I can actually stay up the whole night in worry!

I was tired of the one trying to fix things, the only one putting efforts to save this relationship. I called him and asked to get his act together. He refused. So finally I had the guts to say, “I am not going to sit here and get hurt again and again by you. If you didn’t actually change, you had no right to pretend to be someone you are not. This is not what I signed up for. I can’t do this anymore. I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel good and not shit.”
It was over. I called my dad and said, “This break up is on you and mom. I had found someone, trusted you and told you about him. You all refused and abused me. Don’t want the guys from matrimonial website. If I ever fall in love again, I will come and tell you again. Until then let me be. Next time I won’t be polite to ask your permission.” I know the first line is a lie but that will keep them off from intimidating me. Else they will say “Your choice was bad as you can see. Now we will decide who is good for you”.

It has been 7 months since. It still hurts like a fresh wound. I try to be positive. My dad still sends me profile links for guys he finds “suitable match” and I ignore. I have forgiven my parents for all the horrible things they had said to me… Because I know it’s their ego they won’t even acknowledge the pain they caused me. Not to brag but you know all my life I have been a good daughter. Since childhood on every special occasion like when I score good marks, if it’s my birthday or I achieve something big my dad would ask me what I want and I always said “You have already provided me everything I need. I don’t need anything for now, but let this be due. In future when I actually need something I will let you know”. I was the sincere one of the home. The one who would bring back the change to dad even if it is a penny. The one time I asked them for something I wanted, they rejected it. Titled me “disappointment to the family” just like that. I mean let’s say if instead of that jerk I had a genuinely good guy as my boyfriend. They would have asked me to dump him. Kids out there doing drugs and getting pregnant but sure I am wrong being decent person, earning my own money and a woman of integrity to tell them upfront about the man I like instead of eloping.
Damn sometimes I feel I should have been more like my sister. She has traveled and spent my dad’s money generously. At least she has enjoyed her life and has amazing memories. I waited to earn my own money to travel and my dad doesn’t even allow me to do that. I am 26. “Old enough” to marry a random stranger from matrimonial website and have my own house and kids but “Too young” to see the country with my friends. I am allowed to travel with my husband. What a shitty deal! This label of being “good” as per the society isn’t worth it man. Sometimes I think what’s the point of existing like this…

My ex is probably getting married by the end of this year. I don’t know and don’t care. Life is short you know. Mom and dad are getting older. I can’t change my them but I can forgive them and love them for whatever time we have left. It would hurt less if my dad stops pushing me to meet the guys from matrimony. No offence to them they must be awesome. I am just not ready for a commitment now. Hey better ruin 1 life than 2 right. All the pain rushes back when my dad starts blaming me for ruining his retirement plans. Well, hello! At least take a look at the wounds before punching me again. He just wants to settle me before something happens to him. I get that but I just can’t take this stress now.
I think I will let it happen naturally. Let it take next 15 years to meet my soulmate. It will be worth the wait. I get it, it will take time to get over everything. I don’t trust my parents anymore. I don’t know man… It takes a lot of courage to trust and put your feelings out there. Both my ex and my parents shattered it. Some days I find it damn hard to get out of my bed. I have been looking solutions before I go completely crazy. Self help Youtube videos, books, trying to learn self love, to find motivation, to find a purpose of my life. I can’t seem to find much change now. I can’t forget what has happened. May be it will fade with time like all other pains do. I try to answer people on this platform. Helps me pull myself together for them.
Sorry I didn’t want to bum you out or bore you. I am a funny person. I have stopped sharing my feelings lately as it didn’t made me feel better. Since I can post as anonymous here, I’m going to try and see if it helps. Alright I am done. Whoever made till here, thank you for hearing me out. 🤗 I am sorry to everyone who has much bigger problems to deal with. Would be good to hear your thoughts.