Lately I’ve been feeling empty. Sure, I do laugh at times cry without reason but this empty feeling lingers inside me? I can’t find joy in things that I used to love to do… Like drawing, reading and watching anime. And I started to hate myself for not doing anything, I can’t keep up with my academic works or sleep schedules. Moreover, I’m annoyed that I’m being this hard on myself but how much I try I can’t break from thia feeling of self hatred. I started to envy my friends who could love themselves as a piece of cake. I used to love myself too and I kind of still do but I can’t really feel anything? And seeing them doing it with ease makes me feel bitter and I hate that I’m feeling like that when I’m supposed to be happy for them. I can’t even look myself in the mirror for a little longer because of the self criticising voice. I’m aware of those thoughts and I know they are not helping me at all, but I’m losing my control over them. I really want to feel something nice for a while because I feel like my crappy attitude will spread to others and make them sad (which I don’t want to). I talk to my friends and we are really close but I can’t bring myself to talk about this to them, because it has nothing to do with them, I should be the one to deal with these thoughts, sure they could support me and help me but I don’t know… They got issues of their own, I don’t want to be a burden to them.
I feel like I’ve been too emotional at times… Like for today my friends teased me for something silly, I pretended to laugh and joke about it too with them because no one likes it when someone takes a joke too seriously right? But it still kinda hurt… In a way? (I did tell this to my friend later and she was really sweet and nice to me, I’m thankful for that) but I still feel kinda humiliated? More like embarrassed? Idk… I know I don’t have much of self respect or self love since my therapist already pointed that out in our last session😅 but I wanted to work on that… But I feel more ashamed that I just stood there and did nothing for myself because I’m too much of a people pleaser. I hate that. And i know that hatred might spread to other and I really don’t want to hate anyone. I don’t know where to begin , on working myself… I feel lost.