Lately Iāve been feeling empty. Sure, I do laugh at times cry without reason but this empty feeling lingers inside me? I canāt find joy in things that I used to love to doā¦ Like drawing, reading and watching anime. And I started to hate myself for not doing anything, I canāt keep up with my academic works or sleep schedules. Moreover, Iām annoyed that Iām being this hard on myself but how much I try I canāt break from thia feeling of self hatred. I started to envy my friends who could love themselves as a piece of cake. I used to love myself too and I kind of still do but I canāt really feel anything? And seeing them doing it with ease makes me feel bitter and I hate that Iām feeling like that when Iām supposed to be happy for them. I canāt even look myself in the mirror for a little longer because of the self criticising voice. Iām aware of those thoughts and I know they are not helping me at all, but Iām losing my control over them. I really want to feel something nice for a while because I feel like my crappy attitude will spread to others and make them sad (which I donāt want to). I talk to my friends and we are really close but I canāt bring myself to talk about this to them, because it has nothing to do with them, I should be the one to deal with these thoughts, sure they could support me and help me but I donāt knowā¦ They got issues of their own, I donāt want to be a burden to them.
I feel like Iāve been too emotional at timesā¦ Like for today my friends teased me for something silly, I pretended to laugh and joke about it too with them because no one likes it when someone takes a joke too seriously right? But it still kinda hurtā¦ In a way? (I did tell this to my friend later and she was really sweet and nice to me, Iām thankful for that) but I still feel kinda humiliated? More like embarrassed? Idkā¦ I know I donāt have much of self respect or self love since my therapist already pointed that out in our last sessionš
but I wanted to work on thatā¦ But I feel more ashamed that I just stood there and did nothing for myself because Iām too much of a people pleaser. I hate that. And i know that hatred might spread to other and I really donāt want to hate anyone. I donāt know where to begin , on working myselfā¦ I feel lost.