I’ve suffered from severe depression and anxiety all my life and it’s proven resistant to treatment. Psychology, therapy, medicine, none of it brings me any relief and after my last therapist gave up on me, I saw no point in continuing ineffectual treatment. The only hope that kept me going was my girlfriend, the only one I’ve ever had and most likely ever will have, but three years ago she just suddenly broke off contact with me without explanation. The story there is too long to go into and would dominate this post, but suffice to say it exacerbated everything wrong with me ten-fold and there isn’t a day that goes by now where I don’t think about suicide and go to bed wanting to not wake up. At this point, I think killing myself is just an unavoidable reality.
Your realisation has answer to what you said. Carve you character to build meaning in life. Put that feeling of suicide on understanding flaws and realise death means end of your life you felt at realisation and live on focussing to survive.
What am I surviving for when things are only going to keep getting worse? Even more hardship and mental anguish? I live in poverty because I’m unable to work due to a back injury I suffered years ago and it’s left me living in poverty and having to rely on food banks to eat. Yeah, the horizon looks fantastic for me! I don’t have anything good to look forward to in the future, so what’s the point in surviving?
Focus on resilient of your mind and your back and find any job that can put food in yout stomach. Make a habit of this. Then slowly your gut and intuition will help you to give your life a meaning. Time is has the answer. Change your attitude from “rising in life” to “saving from falls”.