I’ve never been this angry in my life before.
I’m not a person who gets angry easily and when I do, I let it go without attachments and forget about it. This time is very different… is a type of anger that when I remember it, I feel my whole body turning in fire starting from my chest or specifically my heart. I don’t feel that it consumes me or it fogs my mind, it gives me so much of a punch of adrenaline that is scary how determined I am when I feel it.
At first when I noticed this reaction on myself I was pretty much caught by surprise not only by the feeling but also how strong I was about it comparing to other times. Everytime I felt angry before, when I was feeling it or once I calmed down I felt deeply sadness and couldn’t help but cry of anger and sadness. Feeling pure anger, being able to experience something I didn’t know I could made me amend things with myself and the thought I was numbing my feelings and not feeling enough therefore not being sufficiently human.
This is by no means glorifying my anger or anger itself whatsoever. Others feelings and experiences can make me feel human aswell. I know I have to fix this and I can’t stay like this, I have to face on the problems I have ahead. I just want to appreciate and let it out in the world, at least once, about how I’m feeling and it’s effect on me. And I believe this makes me calm my anger too. Just the pure determination and the lack of regret, shame and disappointment about Feeling is important to me.
The past years and remarkably these past two months I’ve been dissipating out the fog in my mind that have been following me for years and solving all my internal problems.
I’ve been getting clarity.
I believe this is the reason for my sudden determination alongside with all my self-grow and the desire of standing up for myself, being emotionally and physically independent and the allowance to feel and express it clearly.
Experiencing this was an experience indeed. Even with all this said, I still have mixed feelings about it. I still don’t like getting angry and feeling this raw, pure energy emotion because I’m not used to it. Thankfully I think I can handle it better than before which sounds contradictory when feeling it so intensly should do the opposite… yet it makes me determined and able to compose myself to channelize it in the most rational and healthy way possible.
This was going to be more of a personal rambling post like all the others I writed here, just me spitting a list about current situations + all the things that (I) accumulated and makes me angry lately hahah turns out I’m feeling at peace with this, laying down my thoughts in a more tangible way.
The anger is not gone, of course, is a matter it and I will handle as time goes by and who knows what will feed it, if it will burn down or something will cool it off. Putting it out and dissecting myself piece by piece understanding everything better makes me put at ease, even small or the most mundane and every-day-life things such as anger itself.
It’s good to know that you’re introspecting and working on your anger issues. It’s true that anger can land you in deep troubles sometimes but there’s always a way to channelize your anger in the best possible way. And it seems like you have realised it already. It’s a great platform where you can put all your thoughts and make yourself feel light weighted. Glad to know that you’re working in the right way and I’m sure you’ll find yourself in better place eventually. Keep going.