Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’ve been on and off with a guy for more than years now. We were together for a couple of months and then i went abroad for my studies. Before leaving, I guess 3 days before leaving, he proposed me and said that he loved me. I didn’t say anything at that point of time because i cannot decided whether i love someone or not in just 1-2 months. I told me that my heart is beating fast and that I didn’t expect him to propose me this soon because according to me, love takes time. After leaving, on the first or second week of my stay in abroad, i got really drunk and told him that i loved him and he said he loves me too. But next morning when i asked him if he meant it, it said ‘i just said it because I didn’t want to ruin your mood’ and i was literally in shock. It was difficult for me to move on when I’m in a new country and all that i had in my heart was him. We were still in contact but after 2 months, we disappeared. And i was calling him texting him, but there was no response. I moved on. I stopped calling/texting and after a month, he was back. He made some stupid excuse that her sister found out about me and that she was angry and he promised her that he wont be in contact with me. I didn’t care because i knew he was lying. It was on and off for a year but one day, he expressed how sorry he was and that he messed up and he wants everything back but idk it didn’t feel right to me. I told him my feelings for him is 50/50 and that i dont trust him. After that too, we were still on and off. In the middle of 2020, he said ‘please come back soon, i want this distance to be over’ and i said i will. We stopped talking after that. After 4 months of not talking, i was going back to my country but i didnt text him because we were already not in contact and its just rude if i text him like ‘hey! I’m coming back’ i felt like I’ll make him feel he’s my backup option or something. After i came back, we didn’t speak for another 2-3 months. So, in total it was around 6-7 months of not talking but i missed him. I texted him and said that i was to clear the air between us and he blew me off. He used to reply me after 4-5 hours sometimes days. I stopped texting. On new years, he texted me ‘happy new year love’ and my replies were dry so he got offended. He was like my life’s been a mess lately and that his grandmother was very sick. I checked his dad’s fb account and he was chilling. I knew he was lying about it too. Now, it was him birthday a few days ago and i didn’t wish him (he never wished me on my birthdays for 2 years) but i felt bad and i felt like i shouldn’t be like him. Idk what’s attracting me towards him when i know he doesn’t care at all. What should i do! Now i wanna go back but the only reason that i came back to my country was to marry him. What if i go back and he’s back? What if i stay and he never comes? I’m so confused!