I've been in bad relationship for so long now that I've forgot what it's like to be genuinely loved and even if someone show even a bit of care or love or affection I'm unable to trust them. I always think they want something from me that's why they're being nice. That's what a bad relationship has done to me. Saddest part is I was the one who gave it a second chance...just to suffer again!

Relationships

It's all messed up 

Confusion

I am completing an internship in high school with an architecture firm. My grandpa used to work there and was able to get me an internship there. I feel really terrible because they gave me a supposedly fun assignment to correct or further design a floor plan to 5 apartments (2 pairs of which are similar). I am taking freaking ages. It's been two days, and I think even the head guy is taking pity on me. He told me I don't need to constantly work on it, and that I can do another assignment if I want. I feel really terrible I am taking so long to do something so simple. People say that I don't need to worry about this, because only professionals really do this, but its such a simple assignment. Like all I'm doing is literally drawing boxes. I feel really terrible. Even asked my grandpa if it takes this long, and he said it takes time, obviously avoiding the question to not make me feel bad. I kind of just want to sleep and cry.

Anxiety

People out there become the sole reason of you fucking toxic and psychic and leave for the same reason.
#ASSHOLES. 

3am Thoughts

There was this guy on this app who wrote that he had suicidal thoughts and I offered to help him saying he could talk to me whenever he wanted. We started talking on this app and he asked me my what’s app number just after 1-2 hours because he did not have good network. I don’t get it. I’m actually kind of feeling like he is doing this just to get a girl’s number, I am not sure how I should approach this. 

What is it called when you’re only attracted to cute and small people? No matter the gender, ethnicity or anything physical. They don’t even have to be small or cute physically, just as long as I see them that way, it could be anyone. 

As long as something in me suddenly clicks and I find them small and cute, just to a somewhat higher degree then usually with most if not all people, I just can’t help but seriously try and make them my little pocket friend. Keep them in my pocket forever. Ruffle their hair, give them a pat on the head. Don’t get me wrong, I’m usually a bit pretty calm and self confident person who likes to be in control of my environmental and others at most times but these people are just like my weakness or something. Is this a sexuality thing I’m not understanding here? What is this here?

This boy has written "jai baba ji" in his bio.. is he panjabi?

Just realised one thing we believe in the internet more than people around us what have we have come to 

Growing Up


I don’t even know how to start. Maybe from the beginning but it got that that point that I really don’t know where it all started. Basically I have been in tons of tinder and bumble dates. Most of them become my friends. Some of them I hook up and a few of them I have sex with. So in January I went on one and we got along we kissed but I wasn’t feeling it. In February I went to another it was better we got along we had like 3 date but I am almost 36 so when I see the red flags I quickly run. At least I thought I did. 

This month, I met another guy from bumble and it all went very weird. First he would never ask to add me on WhatsApp even though we talked a lot. Then he was making plans to come to my city (like 1 hour from his) to sort some bureaucracy and we made plans to meet. So I was like “maybe you should add me on WhatsApp” and he was like “yeah ok”. When he added me I saw that the number was from the US instead of UK as he previously said he was from, weird. And he sent me a video saying that he was looking forward to see me and that his name was different from the one he used on the app. I thought that was weird as well but he did say that he lived in America (and other parts of the world before) and I knew some people that changed the name on the app. We did get along well so I just thought we will just meet for a drink and it couldn’t make any harm. I have been living on my own for 4 months and on lockdown so it would be nice to see someone after things didn’t work with the other guy. So we arranged to meet at 2:45pm he sent me a message around 2pm saying that he was heading there because he sorted his papers already. So I got there at 3pm and he wasn’t there, I had to do some volunteering work that he said he would do with me so I just thought he changed his mind and as his phone is from the US and blocked with no local carrier no data I could not message him. So I went to my volunteering and he messaged me a few minutes later from Wi-fi connection. I explained I left already and he said he was upset that he was on the place he thought we were supposed to meet (I sent the directions correctly but he was in a different place). Anyway on my way back from the volunteering we decided to meet to see one of the touristic places here and have some wine. We got the wine but the place was closed so we decided to go to another one. When we were going to the place a random drunk guy stopped us on the street to ask if we speak English and if we could help him to find the address he needed to go. The guy I was with was super rude but I wanted to help, so the drunk guy called someone from my phone got the right address I got it on my gps and we walked the drunk guy home. The guys I was with was saying all the time that it was nice of me but he wouldn’t have helped the drunk guy, that he would have told him some truths about drinking. I think it’s pointless the drunk guy just needed help and that’s all. Anyway, we then got a Uber and went to the other place that is near my place. We carry on drinking we didn’t have much in common but we had a laugh together and we decided to have a smoke. I really like weed and it settles my stomach when I feel drunk so sounded good to me. I was with this guy that was cool having a few drinks a joint sounded like a perfect closure for the day. So we bought some from the guys and came back to smoke at mine. We carry on talking listening to music smoking drinking, we ordered pizza. Everything was fine. Until it got to a point that I just don’t remember anything. I remember we started dancing but not close together with him just like normal. 

Then I woke up completely naked on my bed with him fucking me hard. I was still drunk and could not react so I just said where is the condom he said it’s too late for that so I said please don’t come inside of me. After that I had a lot of pain in my head so I went to the toilet to pee and smoked another joint as this normally helps when I feel like this. I went back to bed and passed out again, he tried again and I said no and he did stop. I woke up a few hours later and told him to leave. He left. The blackout from the night prior kept in my head. 

I could not stop thinking about it so I talked to him about, he was all like let’s meet today again I will cook you dinner he made a video of the Airbnb he was staying and said that he would come back. I didn’t go of course I couldn’t talk much to him but I wanted to be nice as I was trying to figure out what happened. So basically he told me that we were dancing and he tried to kiss me but I said no so he kind of insisted and I ended up kissing him. After that we sat on the sofa and I said I was going for a nap and he said just came with. He said we didn’t have sex because he was too drunk and could not get a hard on, but other stuff happened. He said he was sober and remembers everything. When I asked about the condom he said he just thought I was on the pills and that I checked regularly. 

That didn’t go down well at all. He obviously just wanted to have sex without a condom. So he decided to do whatever he did to me while I was unconscious and without a condom. I can’t stop thinking about it, I of course don’t reply to him anymore. I judged myself so much, how could I be so stupid? I took the morning after pill. I worked. I took showers. I cleaned the sheets. I cleaned the flat. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so guilty for this, I feel so shit. How could I put myself in such a danger? Why didn’t I kicked him out before? 

The worst part is that I deleted the app like I don’t want to meet anyone like him anymore but then I download again because I am just so lonely. I deleted again. I have no one to talk about this, I am so scared of the judgement even from my therapist. I can’t sleep and I have been over compensating with food. I can’t talk to my family, I am super close to them they will notice that something is wrong and I cannot tell them this. I don’t have many friends but received a few messages and replied trying to make sure no one notice. I have been watching tv videos on my phone anything to get out of my head. But it’s always trigger. I tried to meditate but it was impossible to not think about it. My birthday is tomorrow and I will need to meet my family and talk to some at the phone. I really don’t know how I can handle this. I didn’t even open my windows today. I just want to stay in bed. I just want to go back in time and never meet this guy. I just want this pain to go away. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts