Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’ve been grappling with a complex situation. I’ve harbored a crush on a guy for a while Ill call him Lamp, and we recently became roommates along with another guy call him Bottle. I took a job at his workplace to escape my previous physically demanding profession. It turns out both of my roommates suffer from depression, i try to be there for both bottle and lamp but sometimes they get jealous i try to invite all three of us but for one reason or another they decline, and my crush is particularly messy in his room, affecting his mood and productivity. Despite my feelings, I try to be supportive and understanding, taking on cleaning/cooking/laundry chores for both bottle and lamp and keeping my own problems to myself.(hence here)

Although my crush rejected me in the past, I thought we could maintain a good roommate/friend and work relationship. We occasionally engage in intimate activities but i made it clear that i am cool to keep it casual just be respectful and communicate if feelings go to far or get messy since me and lamp see each other at home work its a lot of time to be obligated to be in each others presence as two single guys,

but things took a turn one weekend. Despite clearly making aware my readiness and setting plans, flirting and receiving positive feedback that he was keen too, he postponed till Sunday , on Sunday afternoon I discovered he was with someone else in our shared living space. i cried and felt ugly since being a chubbier guy a lot of guys usually reject me so it hurt coming from someone whose very woven in my life. When I confronted him after the friend left we will call him Bike, Lamp claimed it was forced, but I argued that he consented and chose to proceed and went all the way.Lamp says Bike does this all the time ignores lamp when saying no or is busy and invites himself in, i seen this bike before and can confirm he does this, it annoyed bottle too since we usually chill in our undies and i can understand bottle is not offering a show to strangers and we all live together. so he needs to make sure Bike respects that perhaps in the past lamp was more alone and was fine but there are other people living in the house he needs to respect the house and be invited in.

I’m trying to navigate this situation, respecting his boundaries while feeling hurt. I encouraged him to communicate with his friend about respecting boundaries to prevent similar incidents. Despite his regrets, he hasn’t addressed the issue with his friend. yet lamp says constantly that it was a mistake.

he offered to “make it up to me” i told him probably not a good idea i was ready for him and now i was afraid it would make me feel like seconds or pity. which doesn’t help my self image. sadly i did it and yea felt like pity and seconds…i also clarified if he was dating bike he said no.

about a fortnight later. i had some idea to potentially play with him again on better terms, without the bike drama etc. then came to tonight i wanted to cuddle with him for the night before work. but his phone was unlocked as i approached i stupidly glanced and the forbidden tempting screen.

Feeling conflicted cause I KNOW going through someone phone might not be as hurtful as being ghosted by a hookup in your very own home i know morally/ ethically its pretty messed up and i know better but , I checked his phone and it was a chat with Bike, i scrolled i did not want to read their convo only the day of the incident & found no mention of the incident, No talk about his boundaries or even informing bike that his rash letting himself in hurt someone etc. this now raising doubts to me about his honesty( i know ironic he may be dishonest cause i did something dishonest i will never claim to not be a hypocrite).

YEEESSSS i still got the crush on lamp but now i feel bad for bike, im sure bike is a nice guy and to be clear bike has done no wrong in my mind its just a massive lack of communication on lamp that hes just consenting to behavior he doesn’t like. if that’s to be believed.

but i do friend behavior myself cause im conformable with friends to do so so i get this is just bike being comfortable around lamp simple and clean.

but im sure bike would be understanding that lamp kinda goofed not being assertive when he already had plans , ooooor and my fear is he forgot or not cared about the plans i made and thought he can get two…which in the end he did.

Despite this drama i have been advising him to seek therapy for depression, he refuses. I’m torn between supporting him as a friend and acknowledging that I can’t fix his problems. so i stopped talking about therapy the family and the home since he gets a earful enough as it is from everyone to " get his shit together".

The situation has strained relationships among roommates due to depression-related tensions. Despite regretting my actions, snooping on his phone provided clarity about potential dishonesty. I regret my actions, but it seems there’s a risk of a repeat scenario. and so my actions of dishonesty made me see lamp might be dishonest as well.

so yea what should i do how should i process this, should i talk to him about bike and if he told him i havent spoken about bike since the incident. or should i wait till after the holiday period its hectic right now.

sigh i know he fucked up and i know i fucked up all i know is bike did nothing wrong in my book lamp was in the wrong about not communicating clear and committing to prior plans

i know i fucked up since even though i was a victim in the scenario i forgo that when i committed a major dishonest act of snooping on the phone.

Bike is innocent since hes just acting as he normally does for lamp its lamp that needs to communicate that boundaries are set and etc and respect that.

for bottle short story is he refuses to stay roommates with lamp if he doesn’t get his shit together which i disagree you cant strong arm someone into therapy. weird comment from bottle to make if he was in the spot he would hate to be forced into something.

so thoughts on how to process what i feel as to be a crazy tellanovella episode.

sincerely bamboo

( i know the names are crazy weird but its 4 am im lazy and got work soon too)