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LonelyThought

@tristigerram

I’ve been feeling lonely. Also horny, because I am lonely and a teenager. I’ve one of those people who everyone kind of knew/recognized, but no one actually favored. I’ve never been anyone’s favorite; never been someone’s bestfriends, or even second best. To add, my friends I’m with right now (although they are wonderful people) sometimes contribute to this loneliness. I have four close friends, A, B, C, and D. A and B are best friends, and I know A can feel uncomfortable around me. B has two best friends already and hags out with A and one other outside school all of the time. C and D are siblings, close ones at that, and are always in heir own world. C and D both have SOs and best friends. None of my friends really want to do regular high school activities with me, like going to football games. They all hang out in their pairs outside of school, but I never get to hang out with them outside of school. I just wish that perhaps we were closer, maybe talked about our feelings or things close to our hearts, but we’re mostly just lunch buddies right now. I mean, I’ve never even been to one sleepover, and I’m already a Junior in high school (even though there are no restrictions placed by mine, or my friend’s parents regarding sleepovers).

But I know it’s not their fault, it’s mine. There is something wrong with me. I don’t trust the people I should. I REALLY don’t trust my family. I’m the youngest, my siblings are all adults in their own lives, and it’s just me and my parents at home. I feel like uncomfortable roommates rather than family. Almost every meal I have is “fend for yourself” or watching TV or by myself. We hardly ever cook and eat at the table like a family should. Even though I’m usually less than twenty feet away from them I feel disconnected. Whenever my dam breaks down and all the bottled up feelings overwhelm me, I try to keep to myself. Just recently, I started crying in the car. I felt incredibly ashamed, embarrassed, and uncomfortable crying in the car with my parents. I’ve been trying very hard recently to lead a healthier life (eat better, work out, be mentally stable, like myself). But ever time I try to do these things, my parents hold me back. I can’t legally drive, and my parents don’t let me out of the house much (maybe a couple times a month for groceries, or when my sister abducts me). Bu when we go to get groceries, I try to get healthy items so that I can actually cook healthy meals. But my parents never agree to buying the ingredients for actually healthy meals. In addition, they keep bringing unhealthy food into my life. If it was up to my mother, I would have a 10 minute dinner after school and then spend the rest of my time working on homework until I go to bed at 11. My parents always try to bring me into their own arguments and to take a side. This makes my extremely uncomfortable. They also like to keep saying stuff along the lines of how they know who I am (like saying I’m a good person, or I’m pretty, or I’m not sick, or not sufferings, or just lazy). But the truth is, ever since middle school, they don’t really know what I am or what goes on in my head.

Back to loneliness. I want someone I can trust with my real feelings (not the watered-down excuses I must give my parents when they expect). The last time I felt close enough to someone was in 7th grade (I’m in 11th now). They were my best friend (although I wasn’t theirs), and he understood everything I was feeling/going through. He didn’t try to sluff it off as something else (like my mom does), nor did he try to shut down the conversation. He was my first and only crush (the crush only lasted 2 weeks though because I got over my romantic feeling for him) and to be honest I still wish we had that closer connection now. Recently, I’ve been thinking about having a boyfriend. I’m a very physical person, and I express my biggest emotions through physical acts (when I’m angry I have to break something-pencils- or kick something-a tree. When I’m nervous/anxious I might shake my legs or chew something-gum and pencils). I’ve realized that no one around me, like my friends, feel comfortable (with me being physical) or also express emotion physically as I do. I really want to have that physical connection with someone, such as a boyfriend. I’d cuddle with them, hold hands, play games, do sports, and actually fill my need to express my emotions physically. But I don’t really have a crush. There are a few guys (that are my friends) I’ve considered being boyfriend/girlfriend with (that doesn’t mean I had a crush per say, but I liked them enough to want to get to know them more). Should I try and ask one out (I’ve been getting some interested signals from them). One calls me buddy and pet names over text and likes me to watch his stream (we’ve been friends off and on between elementary to high school- we’ve been in same schools since kinder so). A different guy (don’t have his number) is kind of like a nemesis? IDK we’re in orchestra together and he’s always messing with me/competing. Like for example, he put his instrument in my cubby, and hid my instrument, asks for gum, knocks over my music all the time, and competes against me in sectionals (nothing’s malicious though)?

But yeah, I’m lonely and wanting a trusted person I can show my emotions to (and who hopefully gives me affection). Anyone else feel trapped behind the wall between just close friends and a relationship we can be completely open and honest in (also one where we can receive affection)?

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