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@butterflysarai

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I think birth and pregnancy is so amazing and a natural thing. I got pregnant for the first time 3 months ago. My ex’s family was excited and so was mine (after calming down). My grandmother started buying clothes, my friends already thought about the baby shower and it all started to feel overwhelming and I started to regret telling anyone that I was pregnant so soon. But anyways a few weeks go along and during the pregnancy I feel shocked that I was growing a baby. My pregnancy symptoms were crazy. I was tired a lot, a lot. I was always hungry. Most things I ate tasted funny. I craved sweets a lot. And one night my ex (bf at the time) came over and we watched a movie and just relaxed and I noticed my stomach started cramping but I brushed it off. Then at 2am when my ex left to go home I used the bathroom and noticed blood. I was like holy shiiiii. So I told my mom and she said to go to the hospital and I was staying positive. And my ex came to pick me up and he held my hand that whole car ride and I prayed and prayed but we kept saying everything will be fine. I was there for 12 hours at the hospital. I had to do an ultrasound, blood test I felt overwhelmed and finally the lady came back but she said she believes it’s a miscarriage and I felt like a failure in that moment. I was like I’m so stupid for not taking my prenatals like I’m supposed to or drinking enough water or eating healthier. Every day I kept replaying being in the hospital in my head, I hate that day. I was in so much pain. I had a follow up w my ob and he said it is a miscarriage and that my hcg levels dropped. I felt like the universe hates me. Something is always going wrong. I walked past the people in the waiting room seeing them with their pregnant belly or their newborn and just hated that I wasn’t gonna have that moment. I’d only have 2 months until I get to see my baby and it’s hard still I try to move on from it but I always wonder why me? Why did I have to have a miscarriage? It’s always something going wrong! I also wonder who the baby would look like. What the gender was. Hearing their cries. I just wish I could’ve had the chance to carry the baby. They will always be in my heart .

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Anonymous

Hi there @butterflysarai,
I can only imagine the pain you would’ve felt, or will always feel in your heart. The closest experience I have to this is my mom’s when she had a miscarriage. I was still a child then, not too young but not too old, probably around 6 years old, I’m not sure. I didn’t understand at the time, but now when I recall, my parents seemed to have come back from the doctor’s and I was with my Grandma, and they came back and there was a lot of crying. Then a while later, I don’t know when, we were at the hospital, because mom was admitted there. These are only flashbacks I have. And once I grew up, my mother told me that she used to feel the exact same way as you described. She used to question, why her? and was she the only one? and what the gender was…very similar questions that you’re talking about.

My idea to tell you this wasn’t to trigger you, so I’m sorry if I ended up doing that. But the reason I told you is, because I want you to know it isn’t your fault, it isn’t just you, it isn’t on you. I know you might have a lot of questions, but please don’t, even for a second think that this had anything to do with you.

A few years later my mom had my sister. She was the light at the end of the tunnel. Rainbow babies happen. So, you don’t have to give up on the idea of being a mother again. I know this must be so so so hard for you, but I want you to feel okay. I want you to understand that this happens. I mean it’s crazy, but the miscarriage rate is from anywhere between 10% to 50%, so this isn’t something you could’ve known or done anything about.

I wish with time, this wound heals. But until then, I want you to know, it’s not over, you’re not alone and you don’t have to feel terrible. I hope you allow yourself to get better, because you deserve to. This isn’t the end of the road 💛

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@butterflysarai

Thank you! Thank you so much! I’m glad your mother was able to get her rainbow baby. I hope time will heal for everyone going through a miscarriage or anything and that happiness is given.