Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’ve always been the clown of my friend group, in my family etc. When I was little i used to pretend i was stupid and make foolish mistakes just to make other people laugh, I guess that’s how much i craved attention that I didn’t care if ppl were making fun of me. I never recived much love growing up, my parents were never home and I barely had friends. I was always told that everything I did i did it wrong and no one belived i would make it big in life, I guess i used that in my favour if that makes any sense and i made a whole character off of it. At my old school I had always been bullied and made fun of, it was not too bad, just mean comments, nothing I couldn’t handle or get used to. It’s not like it didn’t hurt me bc it really did, I cried more than a few times and now I just started realizing all the trauma and insecurities that those times left in me, all of those things that I now find so hard to unlearn. Despite the not so nice people i had a few friends, they used to make fun of me with not really bad intentions but some comments really hurt me, I couldn’t blame them tho, bc i would just join them laughing and pretend i didn’t care and i just took it all as a joke, some people however were always very nice and seemed to really like me, back then i thought i hated that place but now i would do anything to be able to go back. I switched high schools and moved to another state and now i actually hate it here, no one makes fun of me ( not in front of me at least) no one bullies me, I’m just completly ignored, most people barely know i exist and that makes me feel so usless like i could disapear any day and no one would even notice, it might sound dumb but it’d rather go back to the bullying bc at least everybody knew me at that school and i even grew to be liked by some people, I was someone to them, and i felt like someone. I left all my friends behind, last year I actually even made a good friend who never once made me feel bad, things were getting better but now i feel so lonely, im the outsider of the class, ppl still haven’t learnt my name, I’m close to no one, being funny hasn’t worked to make friends bc ppl here are too serious and plain and boring idk how to explain it but it’s such a diffrent place, no one seems to care much about anything they’re all already friends and I’m just the new girl who failed to adapt and fit in, i don’t even want to become their friend bc I don’t really like them, idk, it feels like things keep on getting worst year by year, maybe it’s cuz i’ve become stronger or maybe things just really only get worst but suddenly everything i’ve ever been throught seems amazing and not bad at all compared to my life now, I’ve lost everything and my parents won’t let me go back and meet my friends I feel bad seeing others having fun with their ppl when all i do is stay in my room with my computer, watch youtube, play games etc. I haven’t been out anywhere in the entire year except to go to school.