Iβve always been the clown of my friend group, in my family etc. When I was little i used to pretend i was stupid and make foolish mistakes just to make other people laugh, I guess thatβs how much i craved attention that I didnβt care if ppl were making fun of me. I never recived much love growing up, my parents were never home and I barely had friends. I was always told that everything I did i did it wrong and no one belived i would make it big in life, I guess i used that in my favour if that makes any sense and i made a whole character off of it. At my old school I had always been bullied and made fun of, it was not too bad, just mean comments, nothing I couldnβt handle or get used to. Itβs not like it didnβt hurt me bc it really did, I cried more than a few times and now I just started realizing all the trauma and insecurities that those times left in me, all of those things that I now find so hard to unlearn. Despite the not so nice people i had a few friends, they used to make fun of me with not really bad intentions but some comments really hurt me, I couldnβt blame them tho, bc i would just join them laughing and pretend i didnβt care and i just took it all as a joke, some people however were always very nice and seemed to really like me, back then i thought i hated that place but now i would do anything to be able to go back. I switched high schools and moved to another state and now i actually hate it here, no one makes fun of me ( not in front of me at least) no one bullies me, Iβm just completly ignored, most people barely know i exist and that makes me feel so usless like i could disapear any day and no one would even notice, it might sound dumb but itβd rather go back to the bullying bc at least everybody knew me at that school and i even grew to be liked by some people, I was someone to them, and i felt like someone. I left all my friends behind, last year I actually even made a good friend who never once made me feel bad, things were getting better but now i feel so lonely, im the outsider of the class, ppl still havenβt learnt my name, Iβm close to no one, being funny hasnβt worked to make friends bc ppl here are too serious and plain and boring idk how to explain it but itβs such a diffrent place, no one seems to care much about anything theyβre all already friends and Iβm just the new girl who failed to adapt and fit in, i donβt even want to become their friend bc I donβt really like them, idk, it feels like things keep on getting worst year by year, maybe itβs cuz iβve become stronger or maybe things just really only get worst but suddenly everything iβve ever been throught seems amazing and not bad at all compared to my life now, Iβve lost everything and my parents wonβt let me go back and meet my friends I feel bad seeing others having fun with their ppl when all i do is stay in my room with my computer, watch youtube, play games etc. I havenβt been out anywhere in the entire year except to go to school.
Elango Gova @gova
Iβm proud of you π
Donβt worry I too feelings outsider in my class(clg)and donβt have real frds (apart from 1 in my clg hope so) after sch I get to know those who are fake I can say only one person is real but that person is not well and busy that I can totally understand and feel bad. I am too lonely