It’s hard to express my feelings, deep down I know I need someone to share my feelings with, without regret of doing that 

I'm willing to hear you out, if you wanna

3am Thoughts

Hillsong worship anyone ? 

Music

Just yesterday, one of my professors died from heart failure, which honestly gets you thinking about death. It seemingly was a sudden death & it was pretty shocking.

I’m extremely, incredibly anxious. I think I suffer from a disorder but I’m unable to get help at this point of time, but I think I should, and I want to. But I have no way of doing so right now. I’m constantly anxious about the well being of everyone I am close to, the idea of losing someone to death scares me so much that I cannot handle myself, or deal with it. And no matter what happens it is something I cannot shake off. 

I’m scared. I’m incredibly scared of losing the people I love and I don’t understand what to do and how to deal with it. I know I need help but I don’t know how to get it. I just don’t want to be anxious anymore but every moment, every  thought just makes me so goddamn anxious I don’t know what to do. I’m so incredibly scared of death. I don’t understand what to do, and I don’t know how to deal with myself anymore.


Anxiety

One of the best feelings is no longer having any feelings for the person you've tried ur best with and still not being good enough for them to stay. 


I have a complicated relationship with my dad. Ok, I hate him. He always wanted an intelligent, fit, cute kid whereas I am not one, just a fat, average brained girl. He always used to beat and scold me for my studies, especially when I scored less in maths. he thinks that I am a liar. he never trusts me. when I scored less in my class 9th exams, he accused me of having an affair. I was pushed to the brink of suicide. But I am better now, compared to that zone. Anyway, that's not the point of contention. 
The question is: He scolded me once again a while ago. saying that I have attitude, ego and pride. I am genuinely confused. its true that I don't have many friends but that doesn't mean I have ego and attitude. is it? Can one diagnose ego/attitude by oneself??? is there any test or quiz for that?? how shall I know that I have a big ego/attitude??

Family

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. ive had this sad feeling before but before i felt : hopeless, loss, suicidal, thoughts of killing, running away, stabbing myself, running in front of car, crying, lost, and like not as stern as this rn. well i mean it was but this feels different. my school work has been affected in past by it, but it’s different this time.
this time i actually am cutting myself. they r like cat scratches tho. so r they that serious? idk my plan was to prep myself to go deeper or stab my thigh or butt with the tip of a knife. ive been masterbating a lot and i hate it. it hurts. idek why i do it. the thought of my family knowing that i cut myself or stuff is the worst. i feel sinful and i am. i told my friend about the masterbating since ik teens do it. he said its not sinful which i say it is. which he can think that and i dont tell him hes wrong. but he tells me that im wrong and it makes me pissed cuz i love god and jesus. i want to go back to church. in the past i was gripping the ledge, but now ive fallen off under the railroad tracks and ive landed on sharp rocks. its dark. ive been cussing and masterbating which i dont want to do even tho some ppl say its okay. for me i just dont like it. i hate this change. i want to go back to before 2020. on social media there r so many ppl who post like glow ups and how their life has improved with quarantine. theres barely posts that say they r struggling, but like they dont go into depth so i dont really know if i can relate or not. i feel alone. ik my moms boyfriend is helpful, which is an excuse to say. gosh I HATE THE WORD EXCUSE. teachers say it so disgustingly. sour. i feel like im living in a house with a stranger and i cant be myself. my mom said shes going to keep him. but when they r with each other, my mother is smiling and it reminds me as if she were drunk. i want her to be happy but i dont feel that shes herself???? idkkkkkkkk. its like i have to wait to confide in her when hes not there. ive always wanted to be adopted in the past, but not actually. i dont want to. oh and that friend also called me crazy and that is was just my mood and on my period. i dont think i like him anymore. i want to cut our friendship off but idk why i want to impress him or make him happy. screw him. is anything anybodys fault. idk. 
anyway ive been slacking on school work even tho its incredibly easy. i love doing school work. oh and i dont like work anymore. boss is always like in peoples business idk. i just want to sing play gutair do art but i want guidance on how to start. yes i want baby steps, someone to hold my hand. im 17 but yeah whatever i might be acting like a child rn. so. ugh kids r disgusting brats sometimes but they make me feel better. i used to be mad at the guy who would stalk me and hump my bus seat. im not even bothered by it now. my boobs look different, feel different, one is more tender rn, my vagina has been irritated from the toy, but its like a stress reliever? i dont want to use it anymore but idk if i will. my dad has gone back to rehab where u like live in the hospital. i want to share with him, which we did before he left. but i cant contact him rn cuz they took his phone. i dont want him to know how badly im going mental when hes suffering mental and alcohol issues blah blah. sometimes i gets spurts of happiness or hyperness and i wonder “why was i so sad lol what a pussy i am”. but then the feeling comes back. 
i want to take this year off of high school but ik my family wont let me. idk what to do. mom says if i just get the assignments done that i will have the weight lifted off. but ik that ill just put it off again. it drives me mad cuz the work is so easy tho and i want to do it but i stray to tik tok, video games, masterbation, sleeping, cuddling with my cat. i lose track of time. yeah i should “get a schedule or time management “ IK THAT. IM GOING INSANE. for the first time i posted to insta that i was sad and it made me want to puke. theres so much to say. for the second time i want a therapist and doctor and ig ill start meds. i didnt want to and depend on pills when the feeling will just go away at some point. yes im finally admitting that id love a therapist. at first i didnt like the fact that the first one would just give me basic advice like “ mhm mhm mhm. well you need a balance in life blah blah blah”. ive stopped exercising, cleaning my room, ive been showering every 3  or 2 days, ive been ignoring washing my face sometimes, i dont clean my room, i eat out every day, i put off laundry. imagine if my cat were my human child. gosh id feel terrible of how i lost myself. i dont feel like olivia anymore. i miss olivia. ive gained weight like prob 40lbs. sometimes i get minor sessions of sadness of how i want to do for my future and career. but thats not even my main sadness anymore. when my dads hospital or whatever called and the robot lady went through all the options and one said suicide i cried. like i wont do it but i think about it. i have been for more than 6 years. i feel terrible since its gods body that im hurting. i feel so disrespectful. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts