It’s hard for me to love myself. I created unimaginable insecurities for myself, and i dragged myself down with these insecurites. I havent been sober for the past 5 months straight. I smoked weed everyday to forget about my problems but instead it created so many more. Gave my self an eating disorder, hurted my self and the people around me.And i didn’t see all the hurt i did till now. I took a tolerance break for 9 days but gave in today. Honestly i enjoyed the feeling in the moment, but im very upset i gave in. It’s diffucult,there are so many other little factors that add up and i just get very overwhelmed. No one talks about the side effects of weed. It gave me anger issues i would get extremely overwhlemed and escalate a situation when the situation didn’t need to go that far. I feel stuck, in class i catch my self staring at the wall and loosing focus from my thoughts. I’m going to try and slowly stop it’s hard but my supply is cutting short anyways. I just recently started openning up about my problems but now all i receive from people is sympathy or honestly people just don’t care. It made me get to a point where i dont care anymore butthen i do i’m a huge over thinker. I feel like i attract everything that happens to me and that there is no one to blame but my self. When a couple months ago i used to tell my self in the mirror " its not me, its everyone else". Life is hard i get it, we all go through it, but this time feels worse than ever i wish i never started smoking.
The root of addiction is avoidance of the bottled-up energy behind the negative feelings inside you. The way to overcome this is through it.
People get high to feel the already present higher states. What they don’t understand is that they don’t need drugs to experience those states. Drugs simply cut off the receptors which experience low negative feelings. Drugs dull and suppress these negative feelings down, so only the positive ones remain. Although drugs come with a high cost.
So, start sitting with your feelings. Let them come up in you and do not resist the resistance of having them in the first place. Let go of feeling guilty and fearing the sensations themselves. Do not believe in the thoughts which come up while doing this. Focus only on the sensations themselves. Let them run out of their course. They are not endless. When you are doing this, you’ll feel high because you are not resisting your downsides anymore.
Too complicated? Follow this if don’t feel like doing the above:
When you are withdrawing from an addiction, it’s wise to compensate for that with something. Do Not Go Cold Turkey!
A complementary way to recovery is by doing something creative. You fill up the time when you used to recreate, with creative activities. Watch some standup or something uplifting if you have to. Slowly increase the time for doing enjoyable activities and decrease the time for addictions.
Cut off all negative sources of entertainment: Violent/Horror movies, News, toxic people, and toxic places.
Learn about the 12 Steps program for addiction.
You can go through this. Have faith in yourself.
Does all of this make sense?
