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It’s been a while but things are the same, but not like the same same. things are more intense now. I’ve been feeling more awful than ever. maybe because we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and I’m a senior in high school, things aren’t really great. there is a lot of uncertainty right now, and one of them includes the uncertainty of life and the future. well, i don’t really know what i should talk about right now, because a lot of things are just racing through my mind. maybe u won’t even understand me through this writing. so just to start off, generally, my life is as fucked up as it can get. i could use someone to talk to or someone who just listens, hence i am here. u might think what about my family or do i even have friends? first, i know my friends are also experiencing their own share of hurt or suffering right now so i don’t really want to be a bother. second, my family is not a great option. i can tell my dad a lot of things, but not this. he works hard for us, to provide for us, so i don’t wanna concern him about me anymore, especially when he has great expectations for me. the thing is, he wants me to go to a military academy. when you ask me what do i think about it 5 years ago, i’d say I’m thrilled and would totally go. i would do anything for him. but things change you know. as you get older, u’ll realize how cruel the world is, and i don’t want to be an officer anymore. bc military officials aren’t really the best people. most of them take advantage of their profession. also, for the very first time, i figured out that I really like studying, i enjoy keeping my mind busy with all the lectures at hand and of course, the best part - taking down pretty notes. it may not be as pretty as the ones you see on stydyblrs, but i like to keep them for myself. military school isn’t really all about those, and i think i’d die in training (honestly, i’d kill myself if i really get there). another thing is that i have a very weak body. i grew up visiting hospitals maybe thrice a year. but luckily, i got better in 10th grade. but as of now, I’m just a month and days away from our complete physical examination (where we’ll have a medical exam + physical fitness exam), and i still can’t even do a pushup properly. it’d be a miracle if i can have a month transformation. but yeah - my family is kind of pressuring me to do it. my dad included, but just in a gentle way, he still asks me to apply to the schools i want within a 1,000 km radius from our home. but i know he really wants me to go there. there are actually a lot of benefits into getting into the academy, like i’d already be rich when i graduate bc they a provide a monthly salary while you’re still in school - hence i know the training would be so intense - but yeah it’s prestigious. but back to the point, i also have a younger brother. he’s turning three in a few days, 6 days to be exact. so i can’t really share anything to him bc he won’t understand. and then, there’s my mother and my sister. a little advice - there are really people who genuinely hate you no matter what you do. and yes, they’re that people for me. i don’t hate them but more like it’s the other way around. they hate me. like genuinely hate me. hate is a strong word but it’s the truth. how do i know it’s the truth? i could go list the reasons and i’d end up crashing the server of this website. but in general, they’ve implicitly and explicitly expressed their hatred towards me. sisterly hate is more common i guess so yeah. she’s younger by 8 years but she doesn’t really listen to me, and doesn’t respect me but it’s okay bc the feeling is mutual, i also hate her - i forgot to mention this earlier, but I’m the eldest. did i chose to be? no. did i even have the chance to choose? of course no. but i guess i was happy to be the eldest AT FIRST. but i didn’t know we were the ones who were supposed to suffer and be the retirement plan of our parents. does anybody know where can i hand a letter of resignation of being the eldest? well, there you go. I’ve read about stories where the being the eldest was actually a pro for them, but not in my case. so back to my mom. ok just kidding imma cry more now and talk about her later on bc she needs a whole thread for the hatred she feels towards me. bye for now. till then - ai

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2 replies

Hello, I’m sending all my best wishes to you. Regarding your dad’s intention for you to go to a military academy: my opinion is you should do what you want. Your life is your own, not your parents’. If you do what they want you to do, you’ll get their approval - but is that approval worth it? Is it worth doing something you hate doing? I really think it isn’t. I think it’s sad when people direct their lives according to what their parents want, and I don’t think parents should expect that of their children. They probably mean well - they want you to have a secure career - but that’s about it. And I think your reasoning for not wanting to follow a millitary career is commendable.


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