Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

It’s been a tough week mentally. For background, I have a mom who passed away almost 2 years ago from a terminal illness she had for over 20 years. My parents were always together but it wasn’t happy. They were both complete narcissists I thought it was her illness more than anything but I found out she was like that her whole life. My dad has been wearing me down and comes and goes in waves. He says he’s going to get help but doesn’t. He is depressed and anxious. He has been for about 10 years now he went to get help once but hasn’t went back. He pushes me into getting him things he wants. If I mention it he flat out denies it or tells me I am calling him a horrible person or that I am a horrible child. I feel like he always plays the victim no matter what. I was telling him about an awful experience I had at a family function, that he refuses to go to but its everyone else’s fault (I Digress) then it turns into how at least I still have a relationship with some of those people, and that he’s done with all them.
I am an only child and his only relationship except for some old friends he occasionally messages.
We do get along more than we argue but that’s barely like I will call it 51/49 and it’s been frustrating. Everything is on his time. My time isn’t important. Then he tells me things like I feel sorry when he’s gone for not being there more. I see him 2 times a week probably 20 hours a week and that’s not good enough. He flat out told me it will never be good enough until I live there with him. I am married and lived with my parents for about a year before getting our own house. During that time I can’t complain too much, I probably spent less time with him than I do now.
His home is falling apart and he refuses to fix it. He has flat out asked if he could live in my unfinished basement promising he would pay to turn it into a finished basement. I know 100% that is untrue and refused.
He goes back and forth on wanting to keep the house or move. He is on a fixed income the house is paid off but it’s not worth much because of the refusal of upkeep. The same thing happened to my childhood home and when houses were booming he had to sell it at a loss because of the terrible condition.
He seems to think he is special, that he won’t need to wait in line, or he won’t have to do what everyone else has to do to get XYZ. Then when he does have to do what everyone else does he get annoyed.
He expects everyone to do something for him for nothing.
I’ve been told by both parents that my whole purpose in life is to take care of them when they’re old so they don’t have to go to a nursing home.
My mom passed and my dad took care of her. I did help but was working full time as well.
My dad fully expects me to quit my job and care for him when he is sick although there is no way anyone person could/would be able to do that. He is 500lbs.
He claims he has tried to lose weight but he can’t. He had gone all the way through bariatric surgery classes only to drop out after refusing to do the diet because he felt they should just trust him to do it after the surgery. I explained they do the pre-diet for you A. to lose weight and B. to see how hard it’s going to be after surgery and if you can’t do it for the preliminary time you aren’t going to be able to do it for them after surgery time.
He tells people what they want to hear. Luckily his old doctor retired he has a new one now and they don’t quite believe what he has to say. When talking about the surgery consult he claimed the reason he didn’t do was because of my mother. (My mother was fine, at that time so he was flat out giving an excuse)
Now he claims he can’t get anything done because he doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. He won’t even do the same-day cataract surgery all he needs is to drive home. But he has asked my husband several times to go as far as taking days off before, but now all of sudden he can’t do that anymore??
When I have told him how I feel, he tells me that I only think of myself. When I try to get him to do anything he refuses.
I asked him to get a hobby, talk to people and make new friends, but he refuses.
I have told him that he needs like-minded people to talk to (because we are not) and he says he enjoys the “debates” he has with me and my husband. By debates, it ends up with him getting mad crying, and saying something to the effect of “you just want me to die.”
He will flat out call my husband names and then tell me it’s “all for fun” and I’m just riling him up. He does stuff on purpose to upset me and my husband and then says its just for fun.