Its all a mixed bag.

Life must have been easy. At least that's how I thought.
I recently switched my job and got a decent hike. I thought life would all be settled. Got 25+ LPA so I thought now I would do whatsoever I want.

But I always get entangled in a limbo.
Limbo of relationships.
Keeping one person at centre and that person is definitely not me but someone who in current scenario is not mine.
Earlier that person might be behind me but now when that person's not I crave for that person's presence.


P.S. - That person has changed multiple times. Sometimes its a friend of mine. Sometimes its my ex.

This is a limbo which i need to recover from. Need to keep myself on priority.

If you guys have any suggestions on how to do that... Or any other things which might bw useful for me.. Would really appreciate rhat...


I don't know if we know each other.
If you post by your normal ID then maybe we can connect.

I guess the first step which I took is to accept the fact that this is depression and anxiety.

When you accept it. It becomes easier. You try to find solution.

Help yourselves and help others.

Cheers !

Anxiety

JALDIII dil se all the best bolo exam dene ja rhi hun!! 

Exam

too cute for this small chat hahahahaha are u sure ur not ready to commit?hmp

I'm so tired of this feeling. 
The fear is constant, which is making me distant myself from every person who tries to come close to me. I'm afraid, to be hurt again, to loose a loved one again. 


Har khwaaish poori ho jaye zaruri to nahi, kuch khwaaishein mukambal hoke apna wajood kho deti hain. 

3am Thoughts

Take me back to the night we met... 

Feeling conflicted or complicated? Dunno.

Today, my father died.

Before anything else, I have to say that my mother and father are currently separated. Not LEGALLY. They're still married in papers since our country doesn't allow divorce, and annulment is too... Uh, not really went their minds, I guess. It's because the same situation has been repeated for three times already.

During my kindergarten days, they fought and separated ways, but got together a year later. They fought again because of their beliefs difference and temperament clashes. That was during my early teenage years.

Then, the last time was just last dec 2018. The day started as normal as it could be, but then something happened.

It caused our feelings that were hidden inside to get triggered. Eventually, even I got my chest out of those unsaid words I've been thinking all these years. I was 21.

So... They got separated again. This time I was told by my father to 'get out of the house'. In response, I said 'I will!'

...

Since that time, I haven't talk and meet my father. I only knew that he went back to his hometown, a far away local province.

During these years, we heard that he got a new wife (it's because their religion allows it, but neither my siblings followed it) And even a 1 yr old son.

No one from our side (my mother and siblings) could confirm it as true. Only from those my father's side could we hear news from him since communication is not stable there.

Even so, we were not heartbroken. Why? For me, I don't really feel anything. Maybe a little? But not sadness. More like, 'huh? Really? Unbelievable!'

But when I look at my mother and hear her say it's okay and she's even glad that someone could take care of him. Deep inside of me wonders... Does she really feel that way? Maybe she's hurt? He was her husband afterall even after all of those years in conflict. Although she have already said it waaaay before that she have already given up her relationship with father and she only wishes that he could get along with their children— us. Unfortunately, we were not really close to him.

It felt like as if he's that strict relative that we don't want to talk to. He was strict, but not too much that it's unbearable. But, he isn't affectionate at all. I don't remember any moments that we laughed as a whole family, or even to me.

Yes, he laughed. But towards others.

Moving on to the current situation.

Last week, we were informed that he got attacked by mild stroke, so my mother and I hastily went there in a 7 hrs travel by land.

Mother convinced him to get admitted since he didn't want to because of financial problem. So, they sent him to the nearest hospital which is approximately 30 mins to 1 hr travel.

He was there for a night and was diagnosed. He has high blood which is already a natural cause. If he had maintained his medicine and took care of his body, it would have been fine.

He had 1 yr old son and a new young wife, and two kids from the young wife's previous marriage. He worked as a labor.

That made my mother and I to conclude that because of his work, his body couldn't take it and got mild stroke. When we were still living together, my mother have always kept on reminding him not to exhaust his self especially on a hot day. If he feels even a little tired, he should rest. But maybe because this time no one would remind him, he have ignored his physical aging body. For goodness's sake! He's a 60 yr old something old man!

It wasn't like he was financially lacking. The rental fee income from our previous home were sent to him monthly. Even if it's not much, but it was enough for a provincial hometown. But I guess, it wasn't enough to feed his new family... Sigh.

He got admitted and was discharge the next day since the doctor it was just high blood. We bought him his medicine and settled him back to his house.

It was decided to bring him to a bigger hospital in a 5 hrs travel distance city. He was supposed to stop for a night at another city on the way before arriving at the said city. This is so he only had to travel at least 2 hrs and rest a night, then travel another 2hrs.

We went home, my mother and I. It was planned that when father gets admitted to that bigger hospital, we could go there anytime since it's just a 1 hr travel from us.

But yesterday he got attacked by stroke again when he was being put into the car. This time it seems more serious. He was sent back to the local small hospital and was referred to the nearest hospital. However, this hospital is lacking equipments which is why we didn't consider it before. Now, they had no choice but to send him there because of the situation.

He was comatosed since then. And our relatives have said that he might won't make it. Even the doctor said some signals, vaguely they say.

We could only go there tonight and arrive tomorrow morning. But this noon...

We were told that he died.

My first thought was 'oh, so he didn't survive'. My second thought was 'is my mom crying now?'

Then... I felt nothing.

I couldn't feel sad. I'm even telling myself that I'm too indifferent.

I TRIED to feel sad... But it seems soooo fake.

I couldn't feel what I am supposed to feel as a daughter who have a father that just died far awayfrom her.

I am writing this letter because of it.

Am I indifferent? Am I too heartless?

But I really can't feel it. I'm thinking that it might be because it haven't sink in to me yet, but as I write this... I don't... I can't feel that sadness.

I even think that tomorrow when we arrive there, I might cry. Cry not because I lost my father, but cry because everyone is crying.

I feel guilty for being like this.



Family

I realised over the period of this lockdown that my parents are really toxic. Earlier, I never even thought about this thinking, this is how parents generally are. They used to be so restrictive, manipulative, controlling and blaming but then I used to waive it off thinking, they are acting for my betterment and protection only. But recently over the past 4-5 months, it got way too much. And then I went to google and just typed in, traits of a toxic parent and to my surprise, almost 80% of them matched my parents' nature. I was shocked and not yet ready to accept it anyhow, giving myself explanations over and over again while trying to justify their toxic behaviour by saying that they are acting in my best interests. But when I started plunging deep and noticing all their usual behaviours that I used to consider "normal", I got to realise that they are toxic as hell. At first, it was really hard in itself to accept this fact. But when I did, I felt a different kind of peace. Like I have finally accepted it all and am not suffering while trying to change them for the better. Because before coming to face to face with this harsh truth, I always used to try my best to make them see my pov and understand my decisions but they just never did, saying that they are always right. But now, I have dropped this habit of mine. Because I'm not responsible for them or their behaviour/decisions. I am only responsible for mine. And this realisation really helped me in an empowering way. 

Their usual comments/taunts still hurt me but I have chosen to take away the power they used to hold over me and not take any of them personally. I choose to detach from them and act indifferent when they really cross my boundaries while trying to act that everything is fine. 

I'm still fighting this issue. And it really hurts when they choose to ignore me and my feelings while I look at other's parents and compare them to mine. But I know, I will emerge triumphant and stronger from this. 

If you have also gone through such a situation, please comment down below and let me know so that we can connect with each other and develop a safe space for powering through it. 

Emotional Abuse

Feels weird at times when I want someone to talk to but they're just not there. Gets a Lil lonely at times after office hours :D 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts