its 6am. been up all night doing absolutely nothing. birds are chirping round the crib. off to sleep now goodnight 


Overthinking

Is there anyone i can talk..? 

Exhausted

Zindgani ke Lamho ke tere naam kardiya 
khudko tere hi khatir badnaam kardiya 🍀

Love

I have been married for 9-10 months almost now
Family wants me to get pregnant
Family in question is super fucked and orthodox
I don't want a kid
I am too selfish to have a kid
Too proud to become fat or ugly or be sick
I can't do this
I am just looking to talk to someone who is in the same situation anonymously 

Marriage

I'm feeling weird. 
So backstory, this is about my best friend with whom i had a physical relationship 2 years ago. Things did not work well in that aspect and since then I've been in a relationship, broken up , but any case he is still my best friend and I am very much attached to him. 

So now he has made a new girl-friend and they're getting close. They I've pretty close so hang out all the time. I'm not scared of anything romantic happening because the girl is looking at rishthas at the moment and my friend isn't in a position to marry right now. But I see that she has become as imp to him as i was (or am). They do all these fun things together, like we used to and I'm getting JEALOUS. I confessed this to him, he reassured me that the bond we have is diff but i really am not able to accept it. He's been al about this girl since she came along. AND SHE WANTS TO MEET ME. THAT IS SO SO SO ANNOYING. I mean, i dot want her to be a part of his life and that's very selfish of me but what a i even supposed to do?

Should I distance myself from him?

Jealous

3am Thoughts

I went on date with this guy and it went well but after our date we were talking casually and i asked him if we are going on a second date he said 'yes yes after some time' then we were talking and recently he went out with his sister to celebrate brother's day but when i asked him what he was doing he said 'out on a date'. Should i text him back and ask him out again? 

Confusion

It’s been 5 years to my marriage and I don’t feel being loved by my husband even a single day , I am so alone , I don’t have anyone to share how my day was or anyone to talk to... 
Sometimes I feel like a fool who is working whole day for a happy life but is not happy even for a second 😔🥺

Frustration

I need a job. 
I was on track in life but fucked it up, most times in the name of love and sometimes because I was just depressed or some fkd up shit I couldn't get over and just stopped giving a fuck about anything. 
I dropped Outta college in their year. Don't regret it but I did it for the wrong reasons. I was so fucking stupid but also a liar because I didn't tell the whole truth to anyone and the people i tried to tell didn't care or had the capacity to understand what I was/am going through. 
I still am angry with all that happened to me, because of my blindness or nativity or just wanting to be loved and chosen and accepted for myself that I threw everything away for it. Even myself. 

It was easy or I should say easier to sit around for a few years and try to work on my relationships and myself because I didn't need much and dad were trying to support me with his own expectations ofc but he was/is still there, financially. I was in a guilt trip, shame caught me everyday, I would talk down to myself ever hour of the da, i was/am ashamed of myself from being the child who promised my parents everything I could give them and a better future and kicking ass in school, athelete, singer dancer and what not. And then i feel in love for the first time. Not that my life was very happy before that. I come from a toxic abusive family and not the easily detectable abuse. Control, micromanagment, verbal and psycological abuse, lack of self and respect of boundaries or just that everyone is a different human with different needs and so much more that I can't even address here. 
So yes I am so ashamed and feel like a phony that maybe I was never good at anything and was just better than people who didn't care to try or was just lucky o. And the scariest part is that even after being a a decently smart kid and getting As and B+s at the least now doesn't remember shit. I can't remember even basic things that were ingrained in me. It's like someone took parts of my brain while I was sleeping and now I don't know who the fuck I am? Who i was? How was i the way I was? Why don't I have friends? What happened to me? When did it all start to fall apart? I don't understand anything. All i understand is i don't want to be this person that I am now because I'm disgusted and shameful  of this who I've become. My anger, my constantly running negetive thoughts and emotions in ke, the lack and tbh no productivity at all, it's like I've become someone's maid but I'm not even good at that job because I expect help from him and he will do a little and just sit like he's done something actually to help but it doesn't help. 
Fuckkk my brain is breaking rn a little bit nah, it's broken all. 
I'm unable to type other thoughts and shit, in going to wrap it here and thank you for reading.  Listening/reading and witnessing whatever this might seem to you. A rant or a piece of me. 
Good luck & best wishes & wisdom

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts