Deleted @anxius_mizlost
It fucking sucks and fucks my brain up when he cuts me off or just is never listening and then is like I got to do, or sleep or I wanna watch this, with a look like ’ will you shut up?’
And I’m like you say you love me?
The lack of interest this man has in anything I say unless he wants to seem like he cares (and manipulate me to stay or keep taking care of him, when he’s unwell or needs something or feels empty and idk wtf else the reason is) he don’t give a fuck mahn! And he is the priority for both of us and mahn I can’t even explain it. It just sucks that I can’t stop feeling the way I do even when I have known and loved with him for four years. It just seems like I know him one day and the next he’s just the worst stranger I let into my heart and home and Life mostly. And i feel like a dumb bitch to be wasting my life just figuring him out. And doing nothing for myself or just like get away from all the noise and think about it all without manipulative empathy or sympathy or whatever idk. It lastly maybe I am self consumed tbh I have fkd myself up and tested and tried myself on this and i don’t think or feel self consumed but I am not going to not consider and put it out there still so I’m keeping a plane for both of us because i knoenim far from a perfect or flawless human being. I make mistakes and i learn, i try and get it right so the people i care about don’t have to go through anything hurtful or disappointing. You know, cause I know what it’s like. But I think I get played each, somedays I catch it someday I just let my emotions go and i go back to being made invisible in my own house. Sitting right next to me and not hearing or pretending tbh to have not heard me and I am a coward or just get it that he doesn’t want to really so I don’t say it again but then I have to muster up all the courage and ego in me and say it out loud and then he might just ask again what you said and you are getting disrespected and punished and you still have to be mature and say it again and then he’ll give u a one word answer with an expression that ’ how dare u disturb me’ when you tell him, I said it twice before maybe you didn’t hear me? He’ll get upset and throw a tantrum and then for days on end he doesn’t talk no matter you try to talk or make a joke or be interested in his bullshit he says and things he’s interested in and pretend that all is okay and once he’s done he’ll stop hearing you again. So idk. He plays a lot of games like these where he’ll either shut down and pretend you’re not here and keep leaving things wherever and never helping out nor having the shame that do the most bare minimum things that he knows would make me unwell or like I’m a light sleeper and hell bang doors everyday and then be like sorry if I address it after taking the banging and waking up startled, for a week and then he’ll be like I’m sry. And not even look at you and make that face he makes that eye roll-y face. It’s like I’m am stinking or like I’m a puddle of water on the street that he’s so disgusted by and crossing away from. But he also tells me he likes me, lives me, adores me, like I’m like no one else that’s why he chose me that I’m so grounded and understand n shit like that and then if I question that his actions don’t match his words than he will rage and rage and storm off, break things and call me names and insult everything about ke and drag me to levels i never thought I would let anyone do this to me after all I’ve seen, I’ve seen some worse shit but that also feels was more bareable because it didn’t last as long as this, it’s been four years since he’s been doing this. It’s a long long and complicated story of how we got together but just know it wasn’t usual or simple or healthy (or love or lust) at all.
I have raged on him, tried to stay calm and make all the changes he asked for ( meanwhile he didn’t change a thing for me, not even the way he constantly lied to me on just even the most basic things and his gaslighting and manipulation and control… lord the list goes on and my vocabulary isn’t that dense or articulate that j could explain it anymore. )
I let him control almost every aspect of my life, i guess all of it cause I was in that place in my life (maybe still am, cause he’s still here fighting with me when I get sick [like I have pcod and other stuff so most periods are hard and i get really really sick and can’t ven get up without crying most times so…] and me nursing back to health and taking care of him like a child when he’s sick now)
Mahn I am so wasting my life and it sucks that I can see it go by and I’m so unhappy, I’m so sick, I’m wasting myself away and like I know it’s a dead end but I keep getting hooped back in. Idk how many more years of my life will I waste on him, i hope it ends soon though. I hope I don’t love as just a disappointing and unloveable child to my parents (who ofc fucked me up mentally because of their own narcisisim or just generational toxic behaviours) but like I don’t hate them, I love them but I don’t like them very much as human beings not as parents but I respect and appreciate all they’ve done and all they’ve achieved for themselves and same goes for my molesting and just out right a horrible human being who now acts like his past is deleted and he’s a new person and he has no accountability to give and he can just walk this earth manipulating and groping and using and abusing vulnerable people. Just like most my ex’s at this point.
So anyways, I’m a bit buzzed and pretty broken or whatever idk it seems pretty pretentious to be using these words when I have not been diagnosed with any because I can’t afford therapy… Fuck another tangent.
Guys thanks for listening. I like this place a lot. This is the most home I’ve felt mahn since I was 14 (those 3-4 years were the best, cause I had my shit together, i had my family, my chosen ones and they accepted me and I accepted them, they helped me grow I helped them grow, we proceed each other from people using us as pawn or whatever idk it was good, we stuck together, we stayed good and made our parents proud, until my mother knew and … Yeah doesn’t matter now. Fuck imma go now. Thanks again guys, thanks now&me I am grateful for this came around and I’m here trying to give life a shot and myself a shot at making better decisions I guess and still keeping my heart open, even thought the wounds are so fresh and bleed everyday, but hey I guess we all bleed this bad once and you can’t see the blood, and i believe the best thing is to share it with everyone, not so you get smypathy but empathy if any, but mostly let someone else in this position know what you think the truth is so they can chose the best for them and you can be in peace knowing you did your job and the reward is doing it again and here a thank you or just that you did your job mahn! I think it’s my job being in a community system humans built that I want to be educated the right and truthful things and i want to pass that on and my own takes on it with others who like me would need all the resources and ways and answers they can get, from as many people from different experiences so they can make the best choice and not feel like they were blindsided and lied to and depraved most of all from your choices and the truth and the facts about things. I was denied them for 25 years and then i ventured out of shere misery and helplessness so i could make a change with all that was happening with me and understanding like wtf bro, that’s not what normal should be or feels like…
Anyways
I hope you have a wonderful day and an insightful and fulfilling day. This has been cathartic to write. Thank you again, best of blessings and love.
