Thought

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Rebecca Olivia @rebeccaoli...

In my last post I got asked what I do when I’m nervous or worried and what I do when I feel like things are not in control. Well, if I’m honest, I can’t handle being nervous and worried very well. But when I am, I have to act like I’m not because that’s how everybody sees me as. Confident and sure of myself. As for what I do when I feel like I’m losing control, it’s more like I do lose control. I let it happen on the inside and act like it’s not all falling apart around me and I’m feeling like I can handle it, because honestly, most of the time I can’t. I always have to hide it, people see me in a way that I can’t be myself, can’t tell people about things because it would destroy the reputations people think I have, they make the reputations on what they see me do, how I do it and how I socialise with others, it’s so complex I sometimes snap because it’s constant pressure on me from everybody.

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2 replies

Mr. Anonymous @mranonymous

I didn’t ask the question you just answered but oh my God how difficult it is for you and even more difficult due to the pressure induced on you by everyone else. Damn that reputation thing. This makes me sad and angry at the same time that we can’t even express our candid self feelings and we have to hide them just for the sake of people who could judge and change the “reputations” those people have built for us. No matter what someone says, no one can ever feel the fear, the pain, the numbness, the uneasiness, the brittleness you feel. But we can share the load you have on you. I’m so proud and inspired by the faith you hold strong for yourself even under so much compulsion from everything around you. I hope you come across anything and everything that makes you feel at ease with yourself and I hope you hold strong Rebecca, you’ll be in my prayer.

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Anonymous

I used to feel the same pressure of always being “perfect” but then I realised that that’s not me. I cannot live up to someone else’s expectations and that i need to do my own thing :)

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