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โ€บSuicidal Ideationโ€บThought

If you or somebody you know is currently struggling, please take deep breaths and reach out to somebody. Here are few resources that may help.
@awholecircus

In April I broke up with my girlfriend because I was too scared to admit that Iโ€™m having suicidal thoughts. Because I promised her at the begging of our relationship that I will not kill myself, I decided that when I broke up with I would be free to end my life. She was the only reason why I was fighting with my demons. Unfortunately I survived my sucide attempt and I started feeling even worse because I knew that I fucked up and that I hurted her because I was a fucking egoist.

After a few weeks I finally talked about this with my best friend. I asked her if she knows how my ex is doing. I asked her if they are in touch because I was worried about her. She LIED to me and told me that they donโ€™t really text. Maybe one text per week. Well. I believed her. She was always telling me that she all her friendships trough internet werenโ€™t really working because sheโ€™s not that type to text a lot. Well, I believed her. Event tho I was hurt because she was texting me only when she wanted to meet up with me.

After a few weeks I found out the truth. Theyโ€™re were texting almost 24/7 and my ex was planning on visiting her for few days.

I was so angry that I texted my friend and told her how Iโ€™m feeling about this. She was again lying to me. She was trying to make me feel bad because I was feeling betrayed. I told her that this is the end of our friendship. She wasnโ€™t even trying.

At that time I felt like everything is falling apart. I lost my two most important people in life.

At the end of June I texted my ex to explain everything (I wanted to write a letter for her on the day where we started dating). But I found out that she was visiting my ex bff that day. So I texted her with this letter. I told her the truth. I did this because I wanted to kill myself. She said that she understands, that she wants to help me. She told me that she loves me and she want to try again.

After that we stopped texting. But on a group chat where I was, my ex, my ex bff and a few other people the two of them were 24/7 trying to make me feel even worse. I was crying every day and every night because I was so tired of this.

A few days ago my ex bff visited my ex gf. They were posting photos together. Then I found out that theyโ€™re together.

Since that day I started overeating, crying most of my time and not being able to do anything. Last Saturday I tried to kms again. Itโ€™s Wednesday and Iโ€™m slowly losing myself. I just canโ€™t. I just want this pain to stop. Iโ€™m alone. I donโ€™t have anyone. Iโ€™m so scared. I want to end my life but Iโ€™m so fucking scared .

Profile picture for Now&Me member @tanishhaa13
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3 replies
Profile picture for Now&Me member @tanishhaa13

tanisha @tanishhaa13

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Dying is not the option dude. Stay calm and please evict sucidal thoughts from your head. Time change the people. There is no fault of yours. Find someone who understands you way better than you ex gf and ex bff. SUCIDIE IS NOT THE OPTION PLEASE. if you want to talk to anybody or me Iโ€™m available for you <3

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Anonymous
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Hi! Hi! Awholecircus!!
I expect you to be alive and kicking!
Just for once, stop thinking about what is happening and what happened, and look or think about the person who love you most! that most probably would be your mom or dad or sibling or anyone, so are you paying enough attention to the love which you are in position of receiving than the love which you expect from someone who doesnโ€™t even seem to care at all. I know , itโ€™s really really hard to get out of that sinking feeling, and it makes breathing difficult but hold on to the brighter side for once. Think whether after 2-3 years this one breakup or sick treatment will matter - No, not at all !unless you will make it a whole unforgettable part of your life. Take life as journey, accept those who accept you and move on if they wonโ€™t. They have there own limitations just like you. So it will be difficult but trust me my friend there are worse thingsโ€ฆif you explore more. So , think how beautiful life could be if for just five mins you remove those thoughts of people ignoring you and pay attention to those who are there for you. Thats it bud! You will be fine โ€ฆcause once you break this glass cage just one time , there wonโ€™t be looking back and any such suicidal thoughts. So get the fighter in you in active mode and win your battle. We are there for the back up. Godspeed .

@awholecircus
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Thank you. You really helped me. Iโ€™m trying to do as u told me. Itโ€™s hard but one day I will be okay

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