Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

In a roof like mine, no value to education is seen worthy. Morals and beliefs come from the dark patriarchal stand which I had no power against. I am not in any great position to oppose such force, I have no source of income, I have no ginormous contribution, nor do I have a degree to free me from such abhorrence. I am an honor student, yes, but it doesn’t quantify me knowing what are the good morals. In a pyramid like this, those who lie below the person on top must understand him, receive his outbursts like a breeze in the sea, like a pillow thrown unto you. But it doesn’t feel that way to me, at all. I take words seriously, I genuinely speak my thoughts unless I’m joking. I get hurt. The words of the person on top hurls like a storm, like big boulders thrown unto me. I cry. I was called gay for crying. I tried to understand this person on top since he works hard for the family too. But is that enough for him to degrade me of my humanity? I had always thought that taking care of them when they’re old has been my ultimate goal of repaying them, regardless of all the rains they were hurling to me. I rebelled once, or twice. No emotions, no thoughts were valid. It wasn’t worth it. I’m immoral in their eyes. Hitting your child isn’t immoral because you’re tired and mad, after all, you are feeding this child. But your child recognizing your mishap is the greatest evil deed of all, you are going to hell. Oh lord, how it pierces my heart writing this, and I still have quizzes and exams to take. It seems that paying them back after all was taking in all of the storms they were hurling to me. I have never, ever, planned on abandoning them when they get old. But I have received a message that I’m no longer being sent to college which was a bummer since I had always expected of going to medicine, going to a field focusing on where my parents are likely to develop a complication so I could be the front runner to heal them. But I question if that ever happens now I had broken strings attached. Tears flow over my eyes as if drought had never existed. They were amazing, I am genuinely grateful. I’m tired being pissed, I’m just sad. I was an obligation in their eyes, I wasn’t a blessing.