I'm trying to fight this anxiety that I've kived with for so long. Positivity is something I'm trying to introduce into my life, and I know the judgment of others are a projection of how they feel about themselves...but their words still hurt me...especially when im trying my best...Im working in a field I dont want to stay in...yet I try very hard to do my best and it's a job....I try to be happy and positive...yet none of this matters perhaps even stiil to some who tell literally im not good at my job...i still dont know where I want to go...and networking is hard when it seems noone wants to help me...I feel sick to my stomach and head from work most times cause the opinions of others affects me so much i think about it all day most times....it makes me want to quit even though i dont or wont until i find something better....people always say no job is perfect so it makes me even more scared to leave...it just really makes me anxious when i feel i try my best but my best is never good enough for some people...and they mock me to my face.

Anxiety

Relationships 
Recently I met my ex like we shared our bus ride together on same seat I was quite complex with my emotions then I saw here pretty and same loveable and I know I love her but this time I don't think it matter both of us on some different ways and I don't think it is not any better to remind her that how much I love her and I don't feel that I have left anything else for her too she took some decisions which led us to somewhere else and a question stuck in my mind that why these things happens why we can't maintain our relationship ?? There is plenty of answers but there is also one simple answer too it is clear when we priorities something or someone then we easily do anything and maybe our relationship also stuck in that points maybe with time our relationship deteriorated with plenty of other things like career time and various other social and family pressures look i know one truth that if a relationship is broken then it happens because one person withdraw there commitment and most of times other person either cheat or either give some excuses and if somebody give any kind of excuse to leave or end a relationship then remember that person never loved you and he or she just use you as a option and I believe love is one of most fierce power that gives you so much strength that you can easily overcome any problem and situations and hope we can understand that more that most people name of love to use you and beware about it 

Love

Can i have a friend????.

Lonely

The night we met by Lord Huron

3am Thoughts

Pain continues....

I don't know how people get through break up pains. It has been 3 weeks since i broke up with my gf. But it still hurts. I just cry randomly. I feel like my love meant nothing. We broke up because we won't get accepted by our families. She n me still in love. But she started taking her space now. To get through this pain.she is not someone vocal bout what she going through like me. She has different ways of dealing with it. But her ways hurt me. It makes me feel like i am a useless person which i know i am not. I know my worth. But it's funny how in an instance you can lose your confidence, and make you hate yourself.


My world turned upside down. I don't know what i should do. Everytime i think i am over it, i realize i really am not. I am just convincing myself that i am fine. I stopped telling her how i feel also coz i don't want to look like a child. A clingy person. I don't want to burden herself with the pain my heart feels. 

I am trying to fight my own demons. I thought i was a strong person. But looking at me yearning for a love which won't come back to me i am ashamed at myself. I try not to feel this way. But i am helpless.

I can not talk to my family about this nor my friends. So i am simply faking everything is fine and smile and hide it. Stuck at home with this pandemic and i don't know how to let the stress out.

I don't wanna let her go. It is also painful to hold onto her. The biggest mistake i made  is investing my feelings for a relationship with uncertainty. I can not stop blaming myself for that. My world is broken. I am not the kind and sweet person i used to be before anymore. I feel like i am changing. 

Today is her birthday. I called her at 12 at night to wish her. She didn't pick up. She said she was in family group call. But for that moment i waited all day. I counted every single minute. And when she didn't pick up, i broke into tears. I understand bout what happened. I shouldn't feel sad, she was prioritizing her family. She called me back a little while after. But i didn't pick up since i was crying. I feel like a bad person  for getting angry and the worst part is i no longer have a right to get angry. And i never ever got angry at her before also. But i didn't show her that n messaged her normally. I didn't wanna ruin her birthday. But that moment i won't forget till i die. I felt so unimportant to the person i love the most.

I wish i could escape from how devastated i am feeling right now. If only i could...

Holding onto her is painful. But i see no other choice. She is too precious for me to let go or to be forgotten. Simply trying to deal with the pain n get through it.



Breakup

How was my day? so this morning as usual I was waiting for my sister (cousin as my mom adopted her) and we were always late, SHE is always late and I don't really like to be late, I'm punctual but not her and our grandma woke up and it wasn't because of me, so before leaving she blamed me for waking her up and because she bothered her I've got blamed for telling her that I was waiting for her even though I was late and I knew that I'll have to run to not miss the bus as usual, I didn't even said anything at this point and despite I've waited for her she was mad and left me behind, I feel so dumb now.

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