I’m that person no one wants to be around…I saw a post on instagram that said something about suicide vs suicidl ideations…basically how when you feel suicidal you are “attention seeking” and people avoid you…but when you actually do attempt it, and it succeeds…people regret not having noticed…I don’t know why this messed me up so much today…I’ve felt estranged for a few days now…practically suicidal…I dont have a regular schedule due to covid…but am afraid for when I do return to work because I work in a school…I thought about looking for other work…but it make me feel so anxious I don’t bother…probably because most days I feel suicidal anyway…and don’t express theese feelings to my therapist…or anyone for fear of being sent to a hospital…again…probably for the third time…I try not bother anyone with theses thoughts…and probably mostly because I don’t have a close friend to express these thoughts to…anyhow…I was with family today to escape my solitide…then by the end of it…I practically burst out crying…to my mother…I told her truthfully I’m tired of being alone…no friends no s.o…My anxiety was high…I think I had the equivalent of an anxiety attack without having known…I just told her it was a headache…and she gave me pain medication…all she said was she didnt know why I was crying…I dont know what to do…I have tasks to complete…as we sat there quietly…I knee theres nothing tbhat can be said…but I’m afraid I might actually do something this time…I dont know what I want anymore…I feel like an idiot…Im 26…i shouldn’t be crying to mommy about this shit…I just dont know what to do…im not pretty enough for a s.o…I have no leads for other work…Im not even interested in art like I was…feel like im always competing with everyone…I feel like a burden on this earth… Yet somehow I shoukdnt feel this way because it was my parents who amde me feel this way…if my dad hadnt molested me and my mother who maybe showed me more attention…Im always angry and ppl sense it…and want nothing to do with me…
If you read this tyvm and appreciate it sincerely
Meditate. Meditate more . It is toughest in the beginning as your worries, aggression, tensions won’t let you but just sit there and focus on breathing … breathing and the moment between inhaling and exhaling. Gradually once you practice and become better, seek answers to your questions within yourself as no body knows you best other than you. Gain control over yourself , your thoughts your anger and once you do do so acquire positive energy, try to seek what is good in everything. May be initially it will be annoying , try laughing while doing it and later when this fluttery feeling will settles , you will see that the universe is with you answering back your queries in most wonderful way. Trust me we are stardust. Godspeed
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