Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know if i’m looking too much into it or if i’m finally giving into what people around me say. “there’s something wrong with you” “you should be in a psych ward” like i got diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and autism and everytime i bring this up they say “depression, autism, and hormones” but I don’t understand how i can go from so loving, outgoing, and happy one moment and then having a breakdown and crying the next. How my life feels together one moment and then the next it feels like it’s crumbling and falling apart right in front of me but it’s fine because in like 5 minutes or less i’ll be fine once again and trying to happy go lucky once again. And it’ll be like i didn’t just have a terrible breakdown. How I get pissed off and have random burst of anger and irritation and annoyance. How I shut down over what feels like nothing but hey, come back in like a couple of minutes cause i’ll be back to happy once again! How just an hour ago I wanted to die but now i’m on top of the world and my life couldn’t get any better. I go from being a social butterfly and wanting to always be with my friends and loving them to hating myself and everyone else because they’re annoying as hell and i can’t stand to be around them let alone look at them. How I go from loving myself and having these obscure views of myself “I’m the hottest bitch in the world and no one deserves me. Everyone else is just pathetic.” to “I hate myself. I’m a disgusting fucking piece of shit whore who deserves to die. I deserve to die. Everyone is disgusted by me.” I get into these toxic relationship because i have these people telling me they love me and it’s all i need to go chasing after them and ignore the fact they are gonna use and dump me in 2 months or so. Constantly on my hands and knees making sure they don’t leave me and do everything they want me to do and begging for them to stay because i can’t handle being alone and then I end up pushing them away and just not giving a shit when they leave so i get to be in control because i know i’ll be a mess
And i am-- i push them away and then i think “what did i do wrong. why did they leave me”
and then i’m desperately looking for love from any source i can get it because it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad and when i get it I latch onto it like cocaine
And when i’m in love with someone i would fucking put that person before me because they are all that matters
I’d push away all my friends and family just to make them happy and do the most disgusting things if it means they’ll stay
But it’s just hormones
It’s just depression
it’s just autism