Thought

@gianna

i’m sick of going to school and having to pretend to be happy. i’m sick of faking a smile. i’m sick of people getting mad at me because i’m “not acting myself”. i don’t want people to feel bad for me. i hate feeling like i’m begging for sympathy. i don’t want a huge paragraph. i just need to rant to someone sometimes. i need to let it out. i don’t have any friends anymore. i’m nobody’s “best friend” no ones first choice. so many people claim that i’m their bestfriend, but it’s obviously someone else. there’s always going to be someone better than me. and it makes me upset and angry when someone gets mad at me because “they’re trying their harder to make me feel like their bestfriend” and that “their sorry they aren’t doing good enough”. i just know i’m not ur bestfriend. and i have to accept that i’m not and probably never will be someone’s first choice. i know my life isn’t that hard. and so many people have it way worse. but sometimes i wish people could see my problems and think “wow, she just genuinely wants help because this is hard for her” and not “it’s not even that bad. she just wants attention”. because i don’t. in fact, i have a hard time telling people about my family issues because i don’t know who to trust. and i try not to tell people about my family stuff because i don’t want them thinking i want attention. it’s not about the hugs, the support, the sympathy, or the “attention” i may get. i don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. i just want someone to listen. but i don’t have anyone to go to. so i write paragraph after paragraph in my notes because i don’t want to tell people this and for them to think i want attention, or think i want them to feel bad. because i don’t. i just wish there was someone there sometimes to let me know it’s okay. why do i always have to be the one to make plans? why am i the one that’s not in the “exclusive groupchat” where they make plans without certain people. why do people only wanna talk when they need something. well i’ve gotten sick of being the “go to person” for people i can’t go to. so that’s what makes people ask why i’m acting different. i’m not. i’m just gonna act like you do, and you’ll see what it’s like. what it’s like to not have people who are there for you. it’s sucks. and i honestly have no clue how to end this

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4 replies
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Anonymous

Hi Gianna,

I’ve been where you are. Exactly where you are. And it isn’t pretty and it isn’t healthy, and really nobody seems to care because as you said, it doesn’t seem to be a big enough problem or whatever but it honestly fucks with your self-esteem and mental health for sure.

I know this isn’t for attention. It’s about basic human connection and decency. Some people like to play petty games, and I’m guessing you’re not one of those people either. I realised I wasn’t. I realised I couldn’t keep up with their ideas of what’s cool or not to belong. I had had enough.

well i’ve gotten sick of being the “go to person” for people i can’t go to

Exactly what my motto has been for the last few years^and honestly life couldn’t have been better. There are now WAY fewer people in the equation, and I’m happier that way. All the toxicity is gone, and I am my true self. And whoever cannot understand that, is free to walk out, coz I ain’t gonna change.

Don’t let anyone dim your sparkle, especially those who can’t see you shine. What you’re feeling, is a very hard-hitting and real feeling that can really get to a person and mess them up. So, don’t let it get to you. You stay you, and you can let the snakes slide away someplace else. Honestly, your life will be better and you’ll thank yourself. It sounds hard and feels like you’re isolating yourself. But that’s not true. At the end of this long and hard journey, you’ll find who your “friends” truly are, and the rest is just background filling noise.

On a side note, hope you’re safe from the virus, as I read you’re still going to school. Take care!

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Anonymous

Hey,

I’ve been in your position, but with friends who didn’t event try to make me feel like a choice. If your friends listen to you feeling upset about your relationship with them and try to compensate for it, it sounds like if all you want is someone to listen then they’re there for that?

@clary

Its definitely suck and it okay if life not beautiful, “I’m no exclusive” oll right then, its hard to barged in when they already been exclusive,don’t change because of them but do and act or change because u want to from inside of you, they give u false friendship just come when needed then say no to it when u dont feel to but keep sincere with your act i believe someday someone will value your sincerely and maybe u get one’s true friends by urself, still try to expand ur friendship even you don’t get so close with them (there quite type of friends, close friends, just friends like u see them often and fun together but not really in the deep talk but they still friends obviously. CHEERS FOR U, GBU

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