Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m scared of trying too hard, I’m scared of caring to much, I’m scared of giving it my best because if I still fail after that, I’ll feel like such an uncapable person and it will be such a dissapointment to those that thought I could do it. That’s why I always pretend that I don’t care about anything in front of others cuz if things go wrong then i can pretend like i meant it, i can say “oh yeah i know, I just didn’t rlly try, I’ll do better next time” bc it’s easier for me to act like that than to admit that i just can’t do it, not bc i don’t have the capacity in me but bc right now I’m just not okay and I don’t have the strenght to do that, It’s been too hard for me and i wish i could say it but my pride always gets in the way so I can’t be honest. People think I’m a careless, lazy, hopless, coldhearted person with no purpose, and it’s so funny to me bc in reality I’m super sensitive, I care way too much of what other ppl think, I’m incredibly self conscious, I try very hard to keep myself toghether and hold on everyday, I’ve cried myself to sleep countless of times, I have so many dreams I gave up on however there’s still a bit of hope left inside of me. I can’t blame anyone for not knowing that, they are just believing what i’ve always wanted them to, but why do i suddenly hate that? but again, I don’t think i can ever be honest, I’ve tried but it makes me feel weird, I don’t want people to see me difrently i hate that + wouldn’t it be weird if i suddenly started acting like i truly am? ppl know me as a very diffrent person, if i start acting like me just now they’ll think it’s weird and asked what happened that made me change like that all of the sudden so I’m scared of showing my true feelings bc i feel like ppl will be surprised if i did. I don’t know, it’s just a lot, and It’s so stupid in the way that i know it does no good for me to keep acting like this but i can’t help it, i always do what’s worst for me even when I’m aware of it, I’ll know that I shouldn’t do what im about to do yet I’ll still do it.