Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m over being anxious all of the time, I’m tired of constantly imagining the worst scenarios to ever happen in my head, am I a masochist?? Why can’t I just quit it?? it’s become almost a routine, to play the music as loud as I possibly can, choose a song that will make my heart beat and make it harder to breathe until I’m fully having a mental breakdown and I can’t stop crying. I got used to it, and every day it felt worst. I knew I was not okay when I didn’t even have the energy to cry anymore when I couldn’t even think properly, I didn’t even have the energy to get stressed out for nothing. After almost a decade I’ve finally grown able to be numb to the pain. I would like to say that this is over but I know it won’t be. Whenever I think I’m doing well something always has to happen and ruin it for me again however I promised myself not to think about how long the happiness might last while I’m happy. I have the tendency to think that I need a bad day for every good one that I have and it doesn’t have to be like that. Not everything good has to come with consequences, sometimes one can actually just be happy for a while and whatever happens after has nothing to do with it.