I’m not sure I deserve to happy, I’m not sure I deserve to move on in my life. 😕

I feel like running away to someplace far and just hide their for the rest of my life.

Depression

Peeps from Varanasi? 

Society

Oh no not again 6:30 pm bhandara ki sabzi thoughts

3am Thoughts

Addiction has a genetic disposition. Addiction is hard to overcome but not impossible. I see it in me. My grandad was an alchoholic, a smoker and a gambler.(I’ll never be as cool) but I do have an addictive personality and I love gambling. I can’t quit smoking, I’ve somehow managed to reduce my alcohol consumption and I don’t gamble at all, because I know I’ll loose everything, if I do. I’m slowly veering away from all these vices. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

Mental Health

Last night as he Laid next to￼￼  me he said “come closer why are you so distant”. I turned around and i hugged him as he put his arms around me i said “are you tired of me? Do you still love me?” He then said “of course i still love you, where is all this coming from? What made you even question that?” 
As i shed a tear and gasp for air i said “ i feel like you’ve been distant all weekend, i feel like I’m a bother, i feel like I’m just in your way, i don’t feel wanted and as much as i love you i can’t keep these thoughts and feelings eating me up any more” 
He then said “baby of course i love you. I’m sorry if i made you feel that way. You’re my baby.” 
Then i said “i guess i just wanted ￼ reinsurance“ 

After we had that conversation i felt off. We made love but even when we were doing it things didn’t feel right. It was weird and i didn’t feel the passion that i always feel every time we make love. I want him and want to make things work. But i can slowly feel my ￼ candle of love i have for him is burning out…. 🥺

Boyfriend

I recently had a casual sex / hook up (first time doing casual) with one of  the person I met. We were crazily attracted to each other and on that day,  to be honest the sex wasn't great, I didn't have the drive and I was tired and came too fast.
And, post that, she seems to be avoiding me. 
This is somewhere leading me to feel insecure about my body and since I've not experienced anything like this in the past, I'm feeling insecure to have a physical relationship with anyone now with a fear of being judged. 

Insecurity

Hello all,

I am a typical woman from India. 
I had traumatic childhood with my mother, who took care of us with lot of physical and verbal abuse.
My father was living and earning in foreign nation during my whole childhood. so, he was never close enough for a long time (Except vacations).
My mom used to take out all her anger, frustrations and behave misogynic to me. I am middle child, have elder brother and younger sister.
I was on long term and long distance relationship and got married under the circumstances and pressure from both the families. 
I clearly did not plan for a child, but I immediately got pregnant after marriage, while I was in college. 
This again impacted my whole confidence and dream of being independent. I took a career break and had to take flexible jobs to have a career.
I tried my level best to love the spouse and child, but it didn't work with lot of issues.
I had to separate from my in-laws as we could not patch up. 
At the same time, my parentswere not supportive about my separation.
Now I am living alone and away from my family members. I am feeling lonely. 
Also having anxiety since I took a break from job.
Now, cant be employed again and also not having emotional support.
More than that, my anger and aggression over my mom started coming back and I'm having nightmares and panic attacks recently. 
I try to let out the negative feeling by tears and crying, but still I sometimes feel helpless.
So writing here for suggestions and kind words.

Relationships

How to stop thinking about him and focus on present?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts