Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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Anonymous

Im just so tired of being ugly. today i have to pick out my pictures from when i was younger for my school yearbook and looking at them has made me realize something. I used to be so pretty as a kid. Back then i was still skinny and i had a beautiful smile and i still had my baby curls in my hair. i feel like ive disappointed the little girl in those pictures somehow because i managed to grow up looking worse than i did as a kid. You know those people that will post their childhood pictures and compare them to current ones saying they had a glow up? i like that trend and i think its fun but i could never do it because compared to my pictures from the past i look like shit. When i was younger i used to hate how i looked. I used to cling to the hope that in the future, once im in highschool, id magically look pretty. Now here i am in my senior year and i still despise how i look. at 10 years old as a chubby little elementary schooler i used to lie in bed at night and remind myself over and over that “its ok, ill be skinny when im older. chubby babies turn into skinny adults, right?” and i believed with every fiber of my being that that was true. I believed that i would loose weight with age and that one day i would look like the other girls i see at school and on the tv screen. But here i am in my senior year…still fat, still wearing ugly clothes, and still having an awkward smile. Now i know what youre thinking “everyone is beautiful in thier own way,” “you dont have to be a model to find love” but in my generation everyone is obsessed with image, if youre ugly youre not going to make any friends or get a boyfriend, its practically impossible. im so jealous of those girls that can get anything they want in life just because thier pretty. Doors just automatically open up for them and they are loved whereever they go. meanwhile i couldnt be farther from those girls, most people hate me and i havent had a boyfriend since middle school. i have the same humor as them, the same tastes in fashion, the same hobbies…so why is it they get to be popular and i dont? because theyre prettty. and i have to wrok ten times as hard as them to fit in. im so tired of being ugly. ive tried loosing weight and it went really well! I lost ten pounds in four weeks. but that was during summer camp when i could actually do what i wanted to. But now i live with my parents and i cant go for walks anymore after school because i have to watch my little sister every single day and i cant be vegetarian like i was at camp because my parents eat a lot of meat. so now i know that I CAN loose weight but i cant do anything about it for the entire rest of the year that i live with my parents and its the most frustrating thing in the world wanting to do something but physica,ly not being able to. i just want to be fucking skinny. thats all i want in life. ive honestly thought about just not eating, because at least then i would lose weight but then i think about how damaging that is for your body an di dont want to loose my hair and feel sick all of the time. but a part of me still feels like its worth it. I try working out at night when my parents and sister are in bed but by that time at night im already too tired to move. and i tried skipping breakfast but then when i come home after school my fat ass just starts eating snacks to make up for it anyway. it feels like theres nothing i can do and i feel so hopeless. I just want to be small so that someone will want to hold me in their arms and i want to buy the clothes that i like because they will actually fit and i want to get complients from people in public and i want to have guys give me their number and i want to be able to walk around without worrying about what angle people are seeing me from and i want to take pictures of myself without cropping out my stomach and i want my friends in my group to take pictures of me instead of me always being the photographer and not having a single picture of myself. i just want to be pretty and the fact that im not is killing me.

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2 replies
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Anonymous

DONT SYA THAT ABOUT YOURSELF !!!
YOU are beautiful the way are dont chnage yourself to please others but o it to please you ive also been struggling with beng skinny poeple in school would walk aroung and call me flat or a wall or a door but never let that bother me because i ask myself do you like how you look and if i do i love my slef and i wouldnt care about what poeple think about me but sometimes i would just hate how i look so i decided to work on my self and eat more follow a diet to make me gain more weight and workut to gain more mucsle and it actually really helpes ive never been more confident in my self and im still going to get and image of myself that im realllllyyyy proud of and i woudlnt care if anyone else hated it cuz aleasy im happy about it
you have to know your worth find what you really want and do what YOU want to chnage something about you to make you feel better about yourself then go do it girl i undertand that you can be lazy soemtimes but thats normal just sit an think about why your doing this trust me it helps well atleast it helped me but lift your head up queen your beautiful its doenst matter what size colour or anythign anybody is what matters is inside remeber that if you didnt hear it yet i love you and love yourself queen enjoy your day and wish you all the best hope this could motivate you a little or help you <3

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Anonymous

As I was reading this, I couldn’t help but resonante so strongly with everything. I’m also in my senior year and I feel gross. I also have a little brother who I have to constantly watch and because of him I am not allowed to go on walks like I want to and be active on my own. I feel like my family holds me back so much. I also want to be vegetarian but my mom has always been so against it yet she is always talking about my weight. I used to be anorexic but I recovered on my own. However I developed a binge eating disorder and it absolutely is horrible. Please don’t try to starve as you said before. I used to be obsessed with exercise and I would wake up at like 3 am to go running in the dark. My hair began to thin and I bruised so easily and would not heal from a bruise for multiple months. Now that I have gained 50 lbs in a short period of time, my stepdad constantly comments about my weight and how my body is changing. He tells my little brother what he thinks of my body and so my little brother repeats what he says. I hate living in my house. I want to lose weight so badly and feel healthy again! Maybe we can motivate each other and give each other the support we need? Glad you shared your troubles!

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