Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m feeling incredibly sad most of the time these days. I’ll explain why and I’ll start at the very beginning. I went on an exchange for 6 months from August until February and met the most amazing people. I’ve bonded with most of them and they feel as close as family. I’ve been back quite a while and I was doing fine with not being with them. Now we went on a 16 day vacation with a few people, one of them being the crush I had. I lost most of my feelings in the time of not seeing this person. When I saw him on the vacation, my feelings were all back immediately. I decided it would be best not to say anything, not to ruin our friendship, just like I had done before. After a few days I felt like he returned the same feelings, so I told him about mine. He told me he reciprocated these feelings. He was very specific about not wanting a relationship though. He still has to process some stuff that has happened in the past and doesn’t want to build a relationship on him not feeling up to that. I understood. We still cuddled every day for 7 days straight. One day we even kissed very passionately and he had to stop, because he was getting a little bit too excited and he didn’t want to take it further to lead me on. Even though he was very clear telling me he didn’t want a relationship, I’m stilling having problems now with accepting that. He has multiple times talked about how he sees out future and that when we do get together eventually what he would do and how that would work with us living in different countries, etc. It makes me so confused about what he wants from me. He tells me he wants me to move on and not think about him like that and that I should have someone else if I would want to, but on the other hand I feel like there is this expectation he has where whenever he figures out his life and the trouble in his past I will be there waiting for him. And if that is what he wants, me waiting for him, I’m fine with that. But now I don’t know and that makes me more confused and more sad. But I feel like I should know, because he has said multiple times he wants me to move on and that there is not really space in his life for me now.

Things that also confuse me is while we were cuddling, him saying things like: “for now, you are mine and only mine.” And I know he meant I was his for only that week, but that fucks with my mind. I’m not sure whether I should talk about it with him and explain that even though he told me he doesn’t want a relationship I still have expectations, because of things like this that he said.