Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m feeling guilty for everything that is happening around me. My name is Marcin and i’m from Poland so i’m really sorry if my english is not too good but i will try everyting i can to let anyone understand what i’m feeling. When I was 12 my parents divorced and that’s when things started going worse day by day. I was really heart broken that time. I wanted to feel good around my mother but she kept doing things that were making me feel guilty. Because of my parents divorce i had to change school and lost any contact with my older friends. I felt alone all the time. There was a time when my mother was hitting me with her boot on my head for coming back a little bit late to home because i wanted to spend as little time as possible around my house. That’s when i just broke completly and told her that i just want to feel good around her just like the old times and stop feeling like an enemy of this house. She just laught at me and told me to go and tell my father about how i feel. And I did that. I told him that i cant’ make it anymore. She heard me talking to him and minutes after i told my dad about it and hang up with hit she entered my room and start shouting at me that i’m nothing for her and worth less than a dog. After that i was locked in my room without any source of heat because radiator in my room was broken. She told me if i turn on the light in my room i she will bash my skull in. I was so afraid of her that i didn’t even dare to stand up from my bed. After that incident i thought that i was the problem and i should just try harder for her to love me again. I starded to study more and more to get even better grades. And indeed i got better grades. I thought that she will be pround of me for once after divorce. Even when i got A on my math exam she told me that it’s still not enough for her. I was trying as hard as i can to get her happy with my effort until one day. It was late autum already and i was coming back to my home from school. I came insinde my house and got to my room asap because i wanted to say hello to my two cats that were always waiting for me inside my room. I saw them sitting in the corner of my room clearly afraid of something. Suddenly i heard my mom screaming my name. I ran to her (she was inside the kitchen) and asked her what happened. She was shouting at me that cats were disposing inside their litterbox. At first i was shocked but quickly my shock turned into fear when she was coming closer and closer to me. I run back to my room. She took my cats litterbox from bathroom to my room with poop inside of it and told me to stay in my room with this and those disgusting cats. She than told me that i’m staying with a pice of shit just like me inside of one room. I don’t know if thats sounds understandable but she just told me that i’m a piece of shit like that inside of the litterbox. I forgot to tell you that but my room didn’t have any window. And if i wanted any fresh air inside my room i had to open door to my room. Since my radiator was still broken i had to open door to my room to even let some heat from other room but since my mother told me that if i open door to my room she will hang my cats. And so she left my room with me, my two scared as hell cats and a really smelly litterbox inside. For me my cats worth more than my life. When i was locked inside my cold room they always tried to warm me by laying on my chest and by my side. From that day it was getting worse then that but it really hurts to even think about it so i will skip 3 years later to the time that i completly lost any hope that i will mean anything more for my mother than just a piece of trash. We were riding from a supermarket. I asked her if she could than drop me by my friends house bacause i wanted to spend some time with him. She looked at me with disgust and told me that it would be much better if she had an abortion. I was about to cry when she suddenly told me that it will be better if I just hang myself. At something snapped. I didn’t want to cry or even by mad at her. I just wanted to stay by myself. At the time she told me that i was 15 and at first i thought tham i’m just growing up and i don’t see any reason to be better everyday for her. That was the first time i was feeling absolutely fine with myself. But it didn’t last long. As i said before it starded getting even worse. At first it didn’t bother me anymore to hear awful things about how miserble creature i’m but that i started to feel guilty. I starded to feel guilty that i’m not something that she wants me to be. An ideal son. The thought abou being perfect was corrupting me more and more. When i wasn’t around her to show her how good example for others i was i felt bad. Really bad to the point that i started to belive that my life doesn’t have any meaning. I felt guilty that i didn’t impress her day by day. I felt like i was dying but than coming back up on my feet when i could show how good i’m. And now here i’m still under her influence. I’m trying to change as hard as i can but my mind is not letting me to be someone i want to be. I feel like i’m about to throw up every second and the feeling that my body is filled with something that is decaying i so horrible that i don’t want to feel anything anymore. The only thing that is keeping me from doing someting that i would regret is that my Grandmother and my cats will be let alone because when i’m not around my mother is doing horrible things to them. I’m once again sorry for mistakes that i made and i’m sure that there is some. But i must say it feels really nice to let it out. I feel a little bit lighter than i was just before writing this. Hope that everyone who read that have a nice day and if you made it to the end i hope that you have a great day or night :)