Iām angry at everything and everyone. I hate my job; noone even cares about or acknowledges my presence. I hate my mother and father for verbal and physical abuse. I hate that these abuses have left me physically and emotionally scarred. I hate that I hate myself because of my mental traumas, and flaws due to how others have made me feel.
Iām always in a role where Iām taking care of othersā¦but thereās noone there for me. This includes jobs, I take in more than I can chewā¦and it always counters meā¦I think that Iām doing my due diligence, yet I have nothing to show for itā¦just stress. I wish I could care about and put myself first without feeling guiltyā¦and when I want others to feel the way I doā¦then I wound up being the bad guy.
Itās to a point where I donāt even care to live anymore. Yes, I have a therapistā¦but itās a weird thing where I feel worse when I talk about my ailments and problemsā¦because I know nothing can be done about themā¦especially not at the drop of a hatā¦but Im so stressed out nowā¦and I cant bring my focus on the things I want because Iām so stressed about life and workā¦I dont have kids or a significant otherā¦I dont have friends or petsā¦my therapist said she would make a letter for me to have an emotional support animalā¦then i start to feel bad about how that might be an abuse of the system or somethingā¦ Iām tired of feeling badā¦because in the end noone feels bad for meā¦noone cares when they leave me high and dryā¦noone cares about how their actiins have affected meā¦and where im stuck in anger and trying to let it goā¦but its hardā¦and I cant focus anymoreā¦I dont believe everything happens for a reasonā¦thats bullshitā¦its all coincidentalā¦and i just got the short end of the stick and have to deal with itā¦I dont even care to anymoreā¦my life is meaning less.
I know itās hard to counter your own feelings, as much as you observe them they feel bitter about them. But thatās the part of evolution. As for any anything to get cooked THE HEAT is needed, same as to get better at life you need to go through some though times and obviously the one who is going through that heat wont feel comfortable for time-being but If you can embrace it, soon youāll start seeing meaning in it.
First In this situation I will highly recommend if you can read āThe Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuckā by Mark Menson. It will help you a lot to deal with your own emotions and whats out of your control.
And check out some vlogs and videos of RJ Vashisth(he talks about the similar issues very smoothly).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf4UhQqIN8I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIn1DV_nWoM
If nobody cares for you, You start caring for yourself, work only as much as you are comfortable doing and take proper rest. You already do a lot for other and still feel like noone cares then what can go worse if you start caring about yourself, if you start putting your likes and dislikes with much priority?
Uncertainty keeps space for possibility, so be a little uncertain about the ānothing can be done about your problemsā. Keep some space for positive āMaybeā, something can be surely done. Good things take time but worth it.
Be easy and patient on yourself, and instead continuously finding whats bad in life try to focus on whats good around you, even if thatās very small.
And yeah you are doing great, keep sharing or writing your thoughts, how you feeling. When they go to the extreme write them out, let them out of yourself, ones its out of your mind it, youāll feel relieved and have already won over it half way.
I hope this would help you. š¤
