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Coming OutThought


I’m a Cis male, and nearly 40. I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a little while now, and I’ve really only had one friend I could talk to about all of this. So… It’s been only a couple of weeks since I realized this… I’m pan… maybe? I’m not sure what really fits me - I’m in to cis women, and not in to other cis males, but I am very much in to trans women - and trans men - and non-binaries, and pretty much anyone else on the spectrum. Obviously there’s nuance to physical attraction, and no group is a monolith… that being said, it seems cis men is the only thing i’m not in to.

I’ve only ever had sexual experiences with cis women. all of this discovery has been based on, let’s say spicy content makers? and, I’ve enjoyed trans content for decades now - but I had always kind of assumed that all straight men did? I can’t help but wonder, does that cheapen this realization?

I’ve often had this thought - and its a thought experiment I’ve asked others, back in the day when I was convinced I was straight - If you (a straight male) met an attractive woman, and it was mutual and you went on multiple dates, and feelings are definitely taking hold… let’s say she says that as a rule she wont have sex with someone she’s dating for 6 months, because she wants to know the person is going to stick around for sure. and you agree, because the feelings you have tell you its worth it. 6 months of a great relationship go by, and she confesses now that she hasn’t always been a woman, and she still has a penis, and has no plans of getting surgery. would you stay?

Personally, I would. If the attraction is there, if the beginnings of love are there, and It has been good up until that point, I wouldn’t give that up. I’m still attracted to her, and I have some experience of what to do with a penis, because I have one.

In the same vein, I have always been attracted to a soft - masculine look. little to no make-up, short hair, jeans and t-shirts… long story short, I’ve crushed on a lot of lesbians, who could not figure out why I was even there. looking back I must have been such a confusing annoyance. But, many men who weren’t always men fit that description, and if the attraction was mutual, and there was chance we could make each other happy, why not?

I think that’s where my head is at now, just trying to let the dust settle around this realization: I’m not straight. I never was straight, straight men don’t think like this or ask themselves these questions, and it never was about just porn tastes.

Even just signing up for this page, and typing all of this out helped a little. My next worry is - what do I do next? I feel very isolated right now. I’m not ready to tell my friends - and what if I go on a date with someone, and when push comes to shove, I freak? what if I was wrong the whole time? And that’s a moot point currently, because I don’t even know where I would go to meet anyone that wasn’t a cis woman.

And I know this is totally irrational and a silly fear - but im nearly 40, just figuring all this out now, and I am such a token white cis dude. I wear plaid shirts and listen to punk and ska, and have real opinions about video games. Who besides a basic cis woman would want this?

so yeah. an old white guy just figured out he’s pan, if that’s the right word, and keeps on having existential crisis’s.

This goes out to allll the people over the years who asked me, “are you sure you’re straight?” y’all called it.

2 replies

tq for sharing ur thought. its better for you to take 1 step at a time. God bless ur heart.


I’m so proud of you! You’ve took your first step, realizing and accepting it. I wish you a great journey. It’s not true that other people besides women won’t want you. Even I find you interesting. There are massive numbers of people in the world, and it’s not possible to attract someone who accepts you.


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