Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I’m 30 years old now. I turned 30 in August and I am so damn confused. I look back at my early 20s and feel like I was much more optimistic and excited about my life. Nowadays I am too tired. Every relationship feels like a cycle that I just haven’t been able to break. Somehow I’m always the bad guy. Breaks my heart to say that I’ve become bitter. While I keep taking up courses to have a better career, I completely lack focus. And worst of all I started smoking up at 26 and smoking cigarettes at 29. While I quit the green stuff, I am having a hard time giving up cigarettes. I’m afraid I’ll become dead inside. My friends try to justify saying that I feel shitty because I have not been focusing on my health and I have not been eating right and smoking affects my mood and I should start going to the gym routine again, but frankly, I hate the gym and I have no intentions of going back there. Just thinking about exercise makes me feel tired. Slacking at work as well - some days are great and my bosses appreciate. Other days, I’m making too many mistakes and I am scared I’ll be fired for some huge screwup someday. While I have amazing friends, I feel like I have no one to talk to about my day. And because I’m overly sensitive, if my friends say something, I feel like my friends don’t like/accept me and it makes me feel completely alone in all of this. Of course, this was not an issue in 20s but lately, every comment gets me overthinking about who’s really there and who is not. In other words, I am not feeling connected to anyone. If you’ve been through this and come to the other side, please let me know what worked for you.