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I’m 21 and I’m gay. i belong to a muslim family in Pakistan. I want someone to share these feelings but i just cant and i think i never will. Please Dont’t judge me.
I was in love with my best friend i had feelings for him but i never told him about this. we used to go everywhere together all the time we were with eachother. it was a ver very good time. we spent 4 years with each other. 2 months ago i was with him alone in his house and he had an erection and asked me to touch him, i wanted that so i did. he asked me this that i love him or not, if i had any intention of being intimate with him and i told him everything about me. we did everything. we did that the next day too and the day after that. we went physical for about 6 to 7 times. after that he began to avoid me in every manner. i asked him that what is the problem then he used to say that nothing happened between us just forget everything and our relation is now over. i begged him and cried to him that dont do it with me. think of the last 4 years we spent with each other, think of that good time. He said that its over now and i dont care about the past. He then abused me physically very much to leave him but i didnt wanted that. then he said to me that if you kept doing this i will go to your father and tell him everything about you. i dint wanted that so i did what he asked me to. he asked me to never call him never text him. he didnt wanted any relation with me. he also said to never call your friends and dont ever text them. you will never talk to anyone about anything. You are on your own now. if you ever contacted me or any of your friends or my friends i will go to your parents. He harassed me. after this it has been 43 Days i never contacted him nor any of his or my friends. i am so depressed i never thought of it that he will do such thing to me. i cannot bear this. i cant sleep at night and thout of ending my life. every time something bad happens with me EVERY FUCKIN TIME!!!. i dont know what to do. i also have a very complicated past of child abuse.
When i was like 12 or 13 i was being harassed by a man in the neighbourhood he used to say to sit on his lap and do things. I didnt knew that what was happening to me at that time. After some weeks when i felt uncomfortable i told my parents everything and then my father became angry and went to him i dont know what happened after that i never went outside for like month and a half. After that in that same period of time a woman (i dont want to tell my relation to her) did the same thing to me and also this time she asked me not to tell my parents a thing. She did things with me i cried to her that i dont want to do she also used to physically abuse me. After some time she never talked to me and i never went to that house again.
Then in school there was this boy he used to bully me very much. I was helpless. He also did things to me. He used to undone his pants and asked me to touch him otherwise he would tell the teachers and my parents about this.

It was a very very rough period of my time. And now this happened. He did things to me which i also wanted. I thought that finally i am happy with someone but it was all the same. I dont know why it happens only to me. I used to love him maybe at this moment now i love him. Deep down inside i have a thing for him. A soft spot for him. I am helpless i was helpless and i think i will be helpless ahead in my life. Why are people like this? So mean? They just think of themselves. They doesnt have feelings for anyone.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @youareimportant
Profile picture for Now&Me member @ellarush13
3 replies
Profile picture for Now&Me member @youareimportant

Amrinderpreet @youareimportant

Thats so sad to read that you had to go through this from such a long time! Am sorry! But people like this are not meant to boss you around!
I know it must be very hard, but why don’t you share this with your family slowly as they are going to know one day anyways!
Why not to tell them now and make them understand your state of mind? And once they will know, you do not have to fear about anyone else going to your parents, and exposing you! Just a suggestion, but feel free to share your thoughts here! Nobody will judge you here!


Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. To me it almost sounds as if people were targeting you because of previous abuse. I’ve never been abused myself but I’ve heard a few times that victims of sexual abuse are often repeat victims from other people, as if predatory, exploitative people are more likely to be able to tell if a child might have been victimised and then they exploit the child again. That’s just a theory but it might help explain a bit how you were abused by multiple different people. I think it’s an important point to make that your experience is probably much worse than most people’s. This is important because it means you’ve been disproportionately unlucky with people, which might shape your expectations and hurt. I want to tell you that there are many people who’d never exploit or abuse you, you’ve just been incredibly unlucky so don’t give up hope in people.

Don’t worry too much about what people think, but obviously protect yourself if you think people would hurt you for being as you are. If your parents found out, they can either accept you or reject you, but remember that no matter what, there are people out there like myself who would never judge you for liking boys and would accept you as you are. I believe God sees everything about your heart and accepts you just as you are too. Don’t stress.

Secondly, as for your boy. It sounds cute and lovely, it sounds like he was your first love, and in cases where those relationships end for one reason or another, they are especially hurtful. Many people say it’s hard to get over your first love, even years later, because it was a formative experience and as you said, it was the first time someone had pleasure with you mutually without just exploiting you. So your mind will be filled with nostalgia and longing for that relationship, it might be a hard struggle to move on. Who knows why he’s acting this way, but perhaps he’s afraid himself of other people judging him, or perhaps he’s simply changed his view of himself and what he likes. Ultimately we never have control over what the other partner thinks or wants, and as much as you’d like to go back to those cute, innocent days of love - for now at least it seems like they won’t be back. But don’t lose heart. Try to keep your head up, try to focus on happiness…yes cry tears of pain or experience the longing of nostalgia at times when it comes up, but keep moving forward. We were all created to experience love, and as loveless as the world can seem at times, I believe one day we will all get more than our hearts desire of love, so everything about love for now, including the hard breakups and heartbreak - are part of a process of learning about how to love MORE FULLY. Don’t give up hope of love, try to believe the hope that one day you’ll get to experience that closeness again, and that it could be even better, more mature, and more free love because you’ll have grown a lot. Think back to the time BEFORE you had this cute relationship with your boy, remember that you were oblivious to the good times to come. Let me tell you that I believe one day you’ll look back to today with all your grief and pain and you’ll think “wow I had no clue how good things were going to get”. That said, there’s nothing wrong with feeling pain, let it out for now, but try to take a few steps every day to move forward, to move beyond. I’ve had a broken heart before, I thought I couldn’t even get out of bed for weeks, I cried and cried, I thought there was no future for me, but gradually I found bits of joy in the world, and started to recover. Maybe there is still a chunk missing from my heart, but I believe anything is possible with God and one day God will restore my heart FULLY and even better, just as you’ll receive your hearts desire too.

Peace out and stay positive!

Profile picture for Now&Me member @ellarush13

I understand how dangerous it is to be gay in Pakistan, especially with many uber-religious people there who reject the fact that there are many gay people in their country, so I don’t think you should come out to your parents, or jeopardize yourself by speaking to the man you were intimate with. About that, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Maybe he was overcome with shame or self-hate and decided to end things. But I know for sure that his actions have nothing to do with you. Every hurtful thing he said to you and every punch he may have thrown is on him. He was the one who was doubting the decisions he made, and that’s his own inner issue about his sexuality that he is dealing with. Go ahead and talk to your friends, but not about the situation. If you want to be safe (which you should) its best to stay in the closet until/ unless you move to another country where people are more accepting.


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