I’m 21 and I’m gay. i belong to a muslim family in Pakistan. I want someone to share these feelings but i just cant and i think i never will. Please Dont’t judge me.
I was in love with my best friend i had feelings for him but i never told him about this. we used to go everywhere together all the time we were with eachother. it was a ver very good time. we spent 4 years with each other. 2 months ago i was with him alone in his house and he had an erection and asked me to touch him, i wanted that so i did. he asked me this that i love him or not, if i had any intention of being intimate with him and i told him everything about me. we did everything. we did that the next day too and the day after that. we went physical for about 6 to 7 times. after that he began to avoid me in every manner. i asked him that what is the problem then he used to say that nothing happened between us just forget everything and our relation is now over. i begged him and cried to him that dont do it with me. think of the last 4 years we spent with each other, think of that good time. He said that its over now and i dont care about the past. He then abused me physically very much to leave him but i didnt wanted that. then he said to me that if you kept doing this i will go to your father and tell him everything about you. i dint wanted that so i did what he asked me to. he asked me to never call him never text him. he didnt wanted any relation with me. he also said to never call your friends and dont ever text them. you will never talk to anyone about anything. You are on your own now. if you ever contacted me or any of your friends or my friends i will go to your parents. He harassed me. after this it has been 43 Days i never contacted him nor any of his or my friends. i am so depressed i never thought of it that he will do such thing to me. i cannot bear this. i cant sleep at night and thout of ending my life. every time something bad happens with me EVERY FUCKIN TIME!!!. i dont know what to do. i also have a very complicated past of child abuse.
When i was like 12 or 13 i was being harassed by a man in the neighbourhood he used to say to sit on his lap and do things. I didnt knew that what was happening to me at that time. After some weeks when i felt uncomfortable i told my parents everything and then my father became angry and went to him i dont know what happened after that i never went outside for like month and a half. After that in that same period of time a woman (i dont want to tell my relation to her) did the same thing to me and also this time she asked me not to tell my parents a thing. She did things with me i cried to her that i dont want to do she also used to physically abuse me. After some time she never talked to me and i never went to that house again.
Then in school there was this boy he used to bully me very much. I was helpless. He also did things to me. He used to undone his pants and asked me to touch him otherwise he would tell the teachers and my parents about this.
It was a very very rough period of my time. And now this happened. He did things to me which i also wanted. I thought that finally i am happy with someone but it was all the same. I dont know why it happens only to me. I used to love him maybe at this moment now i love him. Deep down inside i have a thing for him. A soft spot for him. I am helpless i was helpless and i think i will be helpless ahead in my life. Why are people like this? So mean? They just think of themselves. They doesnt have feelings for anyone.