I wish it would stop. That little ache, the longing, the wishing. All the sentiments going berserk inside my body. I want you out of my heart. Free from my thoughts; that when I see you its like a passer by. Becoming an item from a memory. I want to be able too see you and not care. Not having my heart beat a million miles an hour. Not having to pretend. Everything is an illusion even in our bubble. There is no safe space for me. I wish you would understand, care and be considerate at least. Hide the shoes. Pretend for a few hours I’m all yours even if we both know it is a blatant lie. I wish I would not see this bag. Stop imagining who gets to go on dates with you. Gets to hold your hand and let the world know how much you mean. Sometimes you mean and are the world to me. Sometimes I hate you but mostly me for loving you when I shouldn’t. your authenticity is a wonderment. I hate it. But it makes me love the person you are. I guess you are too self absorbed to notice anything. But that’s ok. I’ve been told I can’t be loved, that I’m too this, not enough that. I wish you knew better than to embark me on this with you. Just let it remain a fantasy. I wish I knew better. My heart pulls and tears slowly. It burns and stings. sometimes I feel sjcknto the stomach. I dream about you all the time. About you with others, and me always being in the shadow. Looking and pretending I’m okay. I have no right to not be okay is that it? I suppose so. It is a terrible thing to be so intensely and passionately attached to someone who does not understand the value of that sentiment, or at least doesn’t show that he does. That reduces the experience and what we share to dust. That pretends it can be dusted off in a whim. I hate to not be able to touch you. Not be able to say to you how much I want to be with you as much as how I want to forget you. Send you to oblivion. This would be the dream. I make duah for this. I have nothing to wish for you. My heart sincerely just want to move on and lock yourself out forever. My life is falling apart. Going to crumbles. it’s being held by a thin line called perseverance. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. Stops me from being engulfed by the darkness. The rope that pulls me out of the pit. My heart bleeds so much to a point that I don’t feel it anymore. Im used to it that it is pathetic to even talk about it. There is no moving on. Only acceptance which comes with bitterness, sadness, despair, anger, longing and self harm. I wish I could send this to you. I am not brave enough for this. I am brave enough for plenty a thing except this. It is scary. I was mocked once for being vulnerable and Raw. I’m sorry if this is a burden on you. I will be ok. I need to leave this place. It has nothing to offer to me except pain and regret. Now you know how much you have colonized my heart and mind. Please don’t blame me. You have completely bewitched Me. Only blame me for being naive, there is no other explanation to this folly. Bref all this to say I miss you like crazy.
This is how i feel now
