Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I wish I had never allowed anyone to hurt me. Especially my family cause I’m I want to do is be vindicated by my pain. My mother says I push people away, but they don’t know how much I’m struggling with this hurt and pain of betrayal and just trying to fit in. Even now that I’m an adult I don’t care about fitting in, but I don’t have neery a friend.

Am I being too expectanct; I have only one really close male Internet “friend”, who I have voice chatted with…have sexted…but have never told him about my inner struggles, such as that I have never dated because I have PTSD from sexual abuse and horrible self-esteem issues. I have tried to kms, and struggle with anger issues. But I let him tell me his struggles and care so much to listen. I blocked him when he didn’t talk to me everyday but we also have time issues and…I am not stupid I realize an online only relationship is stupid…it’s not real. …but I also just want to feel a connection so bad…that I haven’t cared. I don’t even want him to tell me he “loves” me because I know it’s fake…or not real until we would ever meet if ever. I have tried online dating to meet someone and it sucks…I just don’t feel a connection, and when I do I feel unworthy of they look too good, or whatever…I try to just say fuck it and focus on me…but then I feel empty because everyone I focus on myself and what I may want to do I get anxious…or don’t feel good enough…like drawing…or wanting to exercise…or go back to school. I’m 27 f and have a therapist…who is helpful for the most part…it’s her job…that’s just how it is…but I don’t know how I am repelling people and family…but I also feel that people don’t think much of me either and my family rarely reaches out to me…so I don’t see a point and keep getting sucked into the same loop worthlessness.