I wish I could just temporarily dislocate my soul from this body. Everything just feels exhausting and I can’t carry the stress anymore. Everything is messed up right now.
I feel like all my life I’ve been giving people so much. So much love. So much attention. So much understanding. So much care. That I don’t have anything left for myself. I feel like all I had has been taken by others and all that’s left for myself is the absolute emptiness.
People around me, like my friends, are trying to show me that they care for me, but I just can’t seem to believe them. Or maybe, I don’t WANT to believe them. Maybe I just want to believe that no one cares about me and that I’m not worth loving. Because it feels better that way. It feels better to know or believe that you don’t matter. Because that way you won’t have any expectations or you won’t live on false hopes.
At the moment, I don’t want people to love me. I don’t want them to show me that they actually care for me. Because it’s just making me feel uncomfortable. I want people to hate me. I just want them to tell me how pathetic I am. And how much they dislike my company.
I feel like I’ve become this huge pile of darkness. A darkness that doesn’t seem to have any end. Rather, it just keeps on spreading deep within me making it’s roots stronger day by day. And I’m in a dilemma. Half of me wants to be consumed by this darkness and wants to give in. While the other half wants me to fight back and walk towards the light. But I think the former half of me is dominant right now.
I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore. . . .