Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I went to the mall with three of my friends today. We’re all at uni and from the same country. And they’re all in perfect relationship, while I am single. Sometimes I talk about how lonely I feel especially when they start talking about their boyfriends and sometimes I remain quiet and let them have their moment. I’m not jealous but I do feel extremely lonely and like the odd one out. I’ve set my expectations of what I want in a guy. And I honestly don’t think it’s that high. Just that he is tall, has a bit of weight on him and Catholic. That’s it. But I’ve been told by them that my expectations is too high. And every time I try to explain my reasoning I’m cut off or my opinion is not heard. They joke about how I keep on saying no to every guy they recommend. And I’m not naive I know no ones perfect and of course I do not know any of the people they point out, so all I have is to judge them based off of their physical appearance. For me if I meet someone and we click, then that’s perfect I dont care whether he is short, tall skinny , handsome ect… I’m not that kind of person who puts all their their attention on physical appearance. But when you’re shown only pictures of people what else do you have to judge them on?

Today they joked that my expectations were extremely unrealistic and again I tried to explain but was cut off numerous times so that a jokes were made about my unrealistic expectations and how I will never find someone like that. The jokes went too far today and felt as if I wasn’t worth the expectations I’ve set, as if no guy like that will fall for a girl like me. I know my worth and I want somebody who is worthy of me like I am worthy of them . But they belittle me again and again as if I am not worth the effort and expectations. I told them I don’t think my expectations was that high and that it was only the basic. Again they laughed and joked.

One of my friend, her boyfriend calls her every night to check up on her without missing one phone call since we started attending uni. The other one of my friend has a kid and the boyfriend who is not the father took in the child as his own and told her that if they ever break up he will wait for her to come back after uni and marry her. And my third friend her boyfriend is organising a surprise for her for valentines day while he is on the opposite side of the globe.

Why are they worthy of love like that and I am not?

Why am I told my expectations are too high when they’ve found their dream guy?

Don’t I deserve that kind of love too?

Growing up I’ve been told that I am ugly, and I’ve been the second choice. I’ve tried to get past it but every time they joke about my expectations it makes me remember the times I’ve been rejected and called ugly. I know that i am not ugly and been told so and also know that beauty is subjective.

I just feel extremely hurt that my own friends do not think that i am worth the effort and the expectations.

They saw that I was upset and still continue to make fun “oh now she’s upset that we’ve told her her expectations is too high”

I love my friends and I know they care about me despite how everything sounds.

But it still hurts knowing thaty don’t think I’m worth it