I was bullied by my friends since my childhood, tried to change my group but always got toxic friend circle, now I’m 22 but still everyone i know thinks that i am someone who can take all their jokes on me without feeling bad. My so called friends forcefully calls me and make fun of me in every possible way. This haunts me like hell. I can’t sleep whole night by thinking what is gonna happen tomorrow, how my friends will again torture me by their words. I just can’t handle this anxiety anymore. Can someone help me for this.

Bullying

Is it my fault?

Lonely

I am feeling horrible today. I feel like i am the most replaceable person in the world. As in, nobody really cares about me because I can be easily replaced by someone else. I am not missed at all. I feel so useless to this world at the point where I don't even want to be here. As in I just want to be alone, even I don't think I am good enough to be honest. I think I am just... I don't know. 

Conflict

Kuch kehana hain tumse
Pehla akhri pyar ki zikir karna hain tumse

Dekha hain pehle bhi bhaut si muskusratten 
Par aisi apsara ka aksh toh dika he nehi 
Baki toh sajate hain apni laaliyat dikhane 
Par Tumare muskan pe he hazaron katal hue hain kahi
Illzam bhi hain tum pe ki nazaron mein nasha kele challti ho
Kabhi humare jism mein bhi uttarke dekho ki humare dil mein tum baasi toh nehi
Pigal gayi hain sakti humari dekha hain tume jabse 

Kuch kehana hain tumse
Tumhe chupake rakhna hain tumse

Khushboo se tum dil behelati, itmenaan ka ihsas dela ke 
Talab se jo tum hume taddpaati, baahe teri sukoon ke
Roop teri jo aankheen bharti, husn se chuuti rooh humare 
Adhoore pyaar ke laakhon dewaane intazar mein hain tumare 
Phir bhi koi chura na saka woh pakeezgi uss paani se 
Naseeb tha shayad jo mila diya mujhe uss sish mehel ke rani se 
Kash tum phele hi mile hote , toh dil na thoot ta kisi aur se

Kuch kehena hain tumse 
Samet lo mujhe ki thoot chuka hoon pehle se 

Puchti hain woh har bar ki mere charo aur anderi kyu hain,
Bhalla Zindagi itni bhi mushkil kyu hain,
Kaise bataon unnhe ki woh khud meri chand ki Noor hain, 
Takleef se tadapke nikli hue Kohinoor hain.
Tumare hoto ke paas jo til hai woh ujala hain 
Phela ishq zakam tha toh akhri ishq malham hain.
Thoote Dillon se hi toh Mohobat zinda rehti , bewafaon toh thoodne mein haasil hain kabse 
 
Kuch kehena hain tumse
Jeene ka tamana hain tumse

Nashe mein likhdu woh baat nehi ho tum
Adoora shabd hoon main pura shayari ho tum 
Kya batayon ki mere liye kya ho tum
Dil ki dhankan ho tum ya mera hoorur 
Rooh ke sukoon ho tum ya koi fitoor 
Khayalko se zyada saanson mein bassti ho tum
Pyaar se zyada mere liye zindagi ho tum 
Yakeen nehi hota ki dewaana hua hain dil phir se 

Kuch kehena hain tumse
Zindagi ke wade nibhana hain tumse 

Lagata hain tum nehi toh dhadkan bhi nehi 
Tumare Bina zindagi bhi nehi 
Tumari badti ummar mere baho mein ho 
Aur mera mehenge khawab tumare aakon mein ho 
Har ladai mein tumse haarun bass tumari jeet ke liye 
Yahi jeet hain meri zindagi ke liye 
Sochta hoon ki Mujhe toh tumse bhi pehle marna hoga,
Kyu ki waha bhi tumare liye mujhe jannat sajana hoga 
Par tum toh saath ho mere chand raath ke jaise

Kuch kehena hain tumse
Maut ke baad ka bhi saath maangna hain tumse

Love

Hey guys. Back after a long time I guess. Hope all of you are coping. It will get better. It will.

So, is it just me or has anyone else noticed that, off late or to be more particular, since the start of August, people have been really angry. Like everywhere the pent up anger has spilled over right into public view.

People are getting offended, relationships are ending abruptly, friends are fighting over stuff they used to laugh about. I'm not a staunch believer of astrology, but really is there something wrong going on right now?

Let me share a personal experience. As you can see, I'm a merchant navy guy and have been sailing for the last 8 years or so. I know life can get tough out there and emotions can go haywire, and we aren't immune to it. But we do know how to better handle it, since we know that we have to deal with them again the next day. So we make ammends and compromises and life goes on. 
But this month, tempers have been flaring. I was one of them too. Normally, I'm a really chilled out person, great teammate. But I just don't know how it happened. Boiled down to a point where I almost decided to quit. Right there on the spot. Quit on a career which I loved, I had to fight for, and for which the girl I'm dating right now said, "We don't have any future." I persevered till the end of my contract this last week. Couldn't be more happier to be back home.

But, I have been angry ever since. There is this deep seated anger inside, and now I'm really afraid that I will lash out. And who do we lash out at? That's right, the people we love and care about.

Things haven't been going well to be honest. Break ups, lost friendships, and the evergreen "Get married! You're getting older."

Sometimes I feel like crying to sleep. But then Men don't cry right? Well, F that! I have cried to sleep. I cry when I'm in the shower. I have screamed in to my pillow. I will persevere, alone if I have to. Because, I cannot let myself lash out. I just cannot. Everyday is battle. Most days its a losing battle. But somedays I get a win.

Till now, I had never had anxiety attacks. I have friends, who do have them. Its a different thing to help someone through one of those and getting an attack yourself. You know what all to do, but then your mind shuts off. I have taken to meditating and deep breathing exercises. Increased my lung capacity, but mentally? It's meh.

Even as I am writing this, my heart is racing. I might just tear up. But then again telling you all this made me feel better. Tonight my pillow might get a reprieve.

Sorry about the rant. I wiah you all the best, because tomorrow is a new day. And we will endure it.

Anger Issues

Sad

I recently started talking to my ex after 3 months of no contact (he blocked me). I didn't want to let myself fall for him again, but I did he's my first love. I texted him the morning and he blocked me again, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY. He told me he wouldn't do it anymore because I told how much pain he's caused me in the past. It just sucks. I feel used and stupid for even believing that he could change. 

Breakup

Day 189 of writing journal entries.

Got home from my visit with my father, the car ride home went just fine, and when I got home, I ended up going straight to a barbecue, which was awesome! I did it with my FCA group. I played well at Volleyball and 9-square, and the food was very good.

I had a good day today! 😊 It’ll be another busy day tomorrow, I’m going to the church with my sister to hang out there, and then I’m going to a camp review where they’ll talk about the FCA camp that just happened. I’m excited to see what they have to say! I’m gonna head to bed now, have a good day/night everyone.

Personal Growth

Pehle pehal tujhe dekha toh dil mera dhadka haye dhadka dhadka haye
Jal jal utha hoon main shola jo pyaar ka, bhadka haye bhadka bhadka haye

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts