Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

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⚕️Depression

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Anonymous

I want to hurt everyone I’m not crazy I’m very hurt and very angry. My family included. They hurt me the most then when they say they try to help me it doesn’t mean that I forget all the hurt me. I appreciate when people help , but there are still times when I think back to the ways they’ve hurt me and it reignites my flames of anger. I physically need to release my anger I am typically a quiet and reserved person, bet as of recent when annoyed or slighted I am said to possess and a foul attitude even when I feel it is justified…it still hurts My feelings because I know I am not like this normally. Instead of showing my sadness I become very angry… and it’s negatively affecting my adult life… in my teenage years I was much more anxious and afraid and quiet but I feel I am more expressive though in an aggressive manner. I feel like I am wanting justice for the way I was treated those many years ago… and instead of being met with understanding I am met with the same hostility when goal is just expression and not to be mean or whatever. I realize I harbor a lot of anger towards my family… for the neglect of my feelings and emotions… but they call me crazy… in venting to my brother over having lost my car recently due to it blowing out and losing my apartment to bedbugs because of an ignorant tenant and then my phone in the same week… I became a little ticked with him… he was supposed to help me get to the store to buy supplies for my cat while he played video games and and we argued he called me crazy and it took me over the edge…and I smacked him leading to a fight. I am very upset to be charged with assault when I feel he emotionally attacked. I can and do realize I control my actions and I have for many years dealing with many things like ptsd and depression from being molested and emotionally neglected by many family members. I don’t like to make excuses but it just seems like I’m handed the short end of the stick. I’m constantly pushing people away and dont really have friends to talk to because I always feel guilty for being angry and dont want to hurt people who get close but would
Also love to admittedly have a close relationship with someone. I try to be honest but it seems like there is never any understanding for me. I feel like a bad person but at the same time I get so angry because it never was my fault for the things that have happened but there is no way to take them back… and I’m just stuck… in a loop of anger sadness ands guilt. I wish I were dead… and then I truthfully feel no one would miss me I’ve given up on most things… and everyone is constantly angry at me…. I hate to admit how much I want revenge for the way they’ve treated me. I sound so evil…the thing that they’ve called me…is what I’ve become because of hearing it so much… I don’t even know if I’m worth saving…but I’m sad for it.

Profile picture for Now&Me member @ttasha
1 reply
Profile picture for Now&Me member @ttasha
@ttasha

Wow…sound like my life. Damn.
Molested…check
Angry…check
Resentment…check
No friends…check
Social issue’s…check
Ptsd…check
I could go on, you get it. My family once they found out didn’t talk about it again. My mom let me do whatever I wanted, that was how she dealt with it which means I was never home about getting in trouble having sex and doing drugs. Never trust anyone completely always think something bad is going to happen, glass half empty, negative, only see the bad, hard to express my feelings. Oh and then my daughter she ended up with depression, so I had anger issues and she had the sad withdrawn hermit depression. The up and down of dealing with that as she was a teen was hell. She finally got thru her teens to find a man, got pregnant, 8 months later her depression was to much. She started pushing her boyfriend away, he didn’t know how to deal with her like that. She let the depression win. So all the bad that I believed thats in the world, it came to be true as I thought it to be. She left behind a little baby, he was living with me at the time since his dad had walked out and his mom was dead. So he lived his 1st year of life with me and now I see him once a month on his dads terms. I get no say on anything. His dad and new wife do not like our family, I hate them too. I lost a huge portion of my life that I expected to live, be a grandma, watch my daughter be a mother, even if she struggled she was still the most kindest person, too kind. Point is she’s missed every day, even though I’m so mad at her for doing it and leaving me with asshole who controls my life and time with her son. She is missed, even though she was hard to deal with sometimes bc of her depression and she didn’t want to take medication bc she couldn’t find the right one. U don’t think u will be missed, I don’t think I would really either, maybe 5 people…but oh well that dosen’t matter bc its not like I’m out there creating meaningful relationships or changing the world so why would a bunch of people miss me? U need to live for u, Im trying to live for me, its difficult, lots of therapy, ptsd therapy, grief therapy. Meds, distraction, a dog, space from people who aggravate your mental status.

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