i want her so damn bad

Crush

Feeling frustrated

Friends

I need a gf who loves or trust me

Long Distance Relationship

She is my personal brand of heroin.

3am Thoughts

I hope she is everything I couldn't be 
<3 

Relationships

I pray to God that someday I will be able to see her again￼

Hope

Need clarity 
I'm in a relationship with this girl for the last 4 months. The honeymoon phase was good, we go out, make plans, and sometimes stay together. But 2 months later, the question started coming to my mind if I see her as my wife or not. We're completely different personalities, different cultures, and she also has BPD. These constant thoughts in my mind has made the situation worst. She keeps convincing me that we will make, and feel good at the time.
But after some time, same thoughts come and I feel guilty that I am doing something wrong. I'm leading her on that I'm not able to reciprocate the same love to her that she does. And the fact she has BPD, she has gone on extremes due to these argument and said/did many things which I don't want to tolerate.
Things have become so bad we both know that this won't work, but due to our attachment, We're still talking. She says I broke her so bad, and this guilt is making me feel the worst.
What do I do

Breakup

After spending the whole day. fir se whi feelings.... bss these nights will go out.... I never felt this bad.. Everyone says, forget it, move on, do this, do that, do something new. I have spent 5 years with her and haven't spent a single day without her. All future dreams are with her... I don't know what is happening with me... I am standing between death and life.

Anxiety

I am 22 year old boy living in Bangalore  with my mother and my younger brother I am career oriented person because I know the struggles and hardships my mother has been made to us I want a better life and I want my family to improve in every way I am not interested in any such things like relationships love etc although all my friends are in relationship but I am not interested but exactly one year ago i met a girl she was my class 12 friend we both got reconnected through the Instagram and we become good friends we both talked laughed shared secrets and as usual I fell in love with her for the first time in my life and I told my feelings towards her and she said to me that we are good as friends and why do we need these kind of commitments at this time and also she said that in her house also they won't entertain such things so i told her ok fine let's just be friends only and after that i stopped talking to her because the feelings would get hurt so it's better that i made distance with her and after some days she texted me back that hi how are you are you sad why are you not talking to me i said no i am busy with my work so that's why I couldn't talk she said to me that are you okay i said yeah I am fine and after that she has sent me a 2-3 Insta reels and i reacted to them and i also sent her she will also react and i am slowly becoming the person I was previously like more career oriented person
The problem for me is that whenever I see some couples or whenever I sit in my company cab there will be girls who will be talking to their boyfriends or guys who will be talking to their girlfriends at that point of time i also feel like that i shoud also have such things but I will remember my family 
After she rejected me i have become more heartless sometimes I feel like loneliness for example all my colleagues will be talking about their partners but I will be simply seeing them and think that does i belong here or like that although she was different and i still have feelings for her and i am move on because i can't beg her or tell her to be in relationship with me and at my office also there are 2-3 people who was interested in me and their intentions was only to enjoy the date and time pass 
I know there is a difference between imaginary strawberry life and real life that struggles
I am just 22 and I don't know i am having such kind of thoughts although there are 2- 3 friends who support me 
But you know sometimes shit happens 
Is it normal to feel for me i really don't know 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts