I tried ignoring my feelings like most people in m lie said, pretending iamokby posting pretty pictures and not speaking to him but deep down, I hoped he would like the pictures and return to me just because, setting aside all that caused us to disagree because it felt worse not being near me. He was my first love, however he lied about his name, wanted me to send him money I did not have that he believed I had, decided he was done after the first month thus he started courting another all the while keeping me close for months while he ravished her as he had promised only me. I feel ashamed when I look back at it, and worse so because after a whole year of separation and watching him grow with the one he let me for still desire him. He is on m mind first thing in the morning and last thing before I sleep. I thought I was obsessed for a while and did not know why it was so hard to control myself and stop stalking him on insta. I have felt pity, sadness, anger, pain, hoping one day I would wake up and it would not make me teary. No one knows before he left he threatened to release m nudes to all m followers in the name of making me feel the pain I caused him, yet I did not even once tell him I did not value him like he did to me or that I was done with him. His justification for it was that he was angry and that’s why he was hurtful. Sometimes I wonder if he treats her that way too, or if he just did that to me. I wish he’d apologize but I was the only one who ever did that. Now I fear that I hold so much anger inside me not only because of what he did but because for the first time in my life I let someone in, plus they wanted me and I wanted them too. I feel messy inside, and I don’t know how to fix myself. I am too scared to let anyone in and when I try I find myself being rather cold and pushing them away. Feels like he took away my warmth and naivety. Sometimes I regret sometimes I don’t. I used to be so strong-willed and strong-minded on cases like these, now I can’t pick myself up completely. All I feel is pain I don’t know how to heal and anger I don’t even realize I have until I lash out over minor things. The close friends I had who know part of the story grew tired of listening and all said they do not want to hear it. I still do not feel better. Internally I have anger on self for not forgetting them when i should and for letting them treat me as they did.
I think its time for you to move on as it should not be on your mind anymore that what is he doing with the other girl or not. Maybe they are happy together. You need to stop focusing on him and her. And start focusing on you like working on your personality. Don’t live to impress others by posting pretty pictures. I understand he was your first one, but you will find someone who will be there for you all the time despite the fact that you can give him money or not.
Try not to feel under the pressure of any sort of regret and start working on something new like learning something…basically to divert your attention. I hope this works and surround yourself with positive people. Even one of them will be helpful than having a bunch of negative ones around that are not deserving to be in your life.