I talked to boys all night long so I was sleeping in the classes today 

Frustration

i dont want to give up so can anyone motivate me?

3am Thoughts

Anybody here for just chating?

Jiye kyun?

Life

This is so wrong, at the moment my teammates trying to escape the presentation and I will be the only one, I am not prepared fully for my part only, now I have to give whole presentation. And I thought maybe we are friends but colleagues are colleagues!  And this is 2nd time, again they are not well. 
And this somehow adds in my trauma to not open up to people and stay alone and don't trust anyone, no one is your friend these days. When I have first time opened to anyone trying to make friends but People are people, the world doesn't change. I AM ALWAYS BETTER ALONE. AND LET EVEN THE IDEA OF EXPECTING ANYTHING FROM PEOPLE. UNPREDICTABLE AND UNRELIABLE AND UNTRUSTABLE. AND this just increases my hate towards people and I don't want that. I want peace and harmony. But it's not happening no matter how much I am trying from inside. 

Work

Hello folks.

Here again to give you a big read! Hehe its just a venting process before I can actually say all this to a psychiatrist or a therapist (i dont even know who i need). 
In my last post I covered the history of my first trauma which occured to me when I was around 8 and the general neglection I faced due to unavoidable circumstances from my parents. 

Anyway later on, I was pretty scared about what happened to me and for several yrs I thought I would become pregnant as they showed on tv that when you hug someone you get a baby bump next day hence the silly me cried in the corner whenever I could thinking what the fuck is life. In the process I was molested again by a (male) cousin on one or two occasions and once by another (female) cousin and again I was clueless of what was happening but I never said it because i was a coward the first time also. All of this happened before I turned 11 (i guess i really dont remember the timeline and i spent a lot of time suppressing my memories). 

I was pretty active in school and I kept myself busy. I was a semi popular kid who was happy go lucky and bubbly but privately I spent being anxious about the past and I started to develop episodes in which i would suddenly just feel like i cant breathe for a short period of time but get normal eventually...i never acknowledged it as anything but I used to call the feeling like it felt like I am about to die. 

All this while my parents were just on their own and when I turned 10 my grandmother started living with us as she was diagnosed with leukemia. She survived but gave cancer to all of us metaphorically. Meaning just causing hassle between all relationships and bitching and everything since she wanted my dad to be by her side all the time. So my relationship with my dad became totally awful apart from the general neglect also.

Their used to be fights every now and then (not much has changed now) and the environment was pretty hostile. I lost my shit when I was in 11th when I felt so alone as I had no one who backed my up (my mother wasnt bad to be but she never took my side also) and I felt unheard and I ended up slicing my entire upper arm with a blade in 34 places until I made sure there was no space. It was winter and I didnt even apply anything on the wounds and i let those cuts bleed and I just covered it with a jacket which I wore while i slept also and guess what! Nobody ever knew my arm was like that and it healed on its own. That was silly i know but I feel like doing it all over again. I feel no effect of physical pain as the mental ones are worse. 

There is a bit more but I will carry on later... I hate myself 😬





Anxiety

Which laptop should I buy?  

I hate everyone. I hate everyone for sharing information. That is not even important.  I hate it when I share my mental health with someone that I think that they are supportive and trustworthy and then later they go out and share that information with others and then everybody knows. I hate that ￼￼

Anger Issues

Hello there! I am literally surprised at the fact that people are so rude these days. So I met a person and they asked for a picture and they shared theirs too. And though their picture wasn’t that great I still said that they looked good as I was trying to be nice. And when i shared mine they asked me whether I was married because I shared a picture where i was wearing a saree. Then again they said , “Got no better pics?” And called me funny. So I did the same and told them “You look more funny than my picture. You should be grateful I don’t spit facts.” And blocked them. Like I do wear western clothes but people think that they are cool just because they don’t like wearing Indian clothing but in the same place, my western friends loved my picture where I was wearing a saree and complimented me. I am just sharing this because I feel bad. Was I wrong? 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts